Head, Shoulders, Knees and—Fuck, I Pulled My Back Again

Take Me Out to the Ballgame Where Hot Dogs Are NINE DOLLARS?!

Do Your Ears (and Chin, and Flaccid Arm Skin) Hang Low?

Hot Crossfit Buns for Only $249.99/Month

The Muffin-Top Man

Tinkle Tinkle Little Shart When I Laugh Too Hard

Mary Had a Little Lamb Even Though She’s Supposedly Vegan

Pat-a-Cake, Pat-a-Cake and Eat the Whole Thing Myself While Binge-Watching The Office for the Seventeenth Time Because I’m Sad

If You’re Mildly Annoyed at the Existence of Other People and You Know It (Clap Your Hands)

(Engagement) Ring Around the (Finger of) Rosie That She Won’t Shut Up About on Instagram

How Much Is That Doggy in the Window, Because I Will Probably Stay Single Forever

Itsy Bitsy Spider Bodies Clogging Up My Waterspout

Three Blind Mice in My Apartment and My Landlord Is Still Raising the Rent by $600

Hey Diddle Diddle, the Cat and the Fiddle Have Two Million TikTok Views and I Can’t Even Hold Down a Temp Job

I’ve Been Working on the Railroad for Minimum Wage

The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round on My Two-Hour Commute

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt’s Name Won’t Fit on His Passport and It’s a Whole Thing

The Ants Go Marching One by One into Their Corporate Offices and Die a Little Inside Each Day

She’ll Be Coming ’Round the Mountain of Student Debt in 20–30 Years

This Old Man