As retaliation against Disney for speaking out against Florida’s “Parental Rights in Education Act” – dubbed by critics as the “Don’t Say Gay” bill – the state’s legislature enacted a stiff penalty on the company. With many worrying if, in the future, Florida will attempt to increase the harsh sexual orientation and gender identity measures of the bill, one can only imagine how Disney’s most beloved characters are reacting.
Mickey Mouse: Next thing you know, they’ll stop me from hugging kids, accusing me of inappropriate groping. Tell me, if I wanted to feel anyone’s body parts, would I be wearing these gigantic white gloves?
Donald Duck: They’ll attack me for not wearing pants, saying it’s obscene for the kids to see my bare bottom. I’m a goddamn duck, for Chrissake!
Daisy Duck: Me too. And I know what they’ll say: If Goofy the dog can wear clothes, you can too.
Fairy Godmother: Remember, I’m not just a godmother, I’m a fairy godmother. Can you imagine what they’re going to turn me into? No pun intended.
Cinderella: And how about our relationship? Don’t you think they’re going to question why you did all those things for me? Implying you know what.
Aladdin: You just know that they’ll pick up on the fact that the genie’s earring was in his right ear, and say he only did those things for me in exchange for my doing some things for him.
Drizella: I know Anastasia and I are the so-called evil stepsisters and nobody gives a damn about us, but hey, we are part of the family and we’re in this too…so think about it, two women, who look a little masculine, living together…the fact that we’re sisters will just add to their distorted incestuous suggestions.
Grumpy: If they can’t stand two women living together, imagine what they’re going to say about seven men.
Snow White: And I can’t imagine them not pouncing on my living in the forest with you little guys. Insinuating all sorts of kinky goings-on.
Peter Pan: Hey, you think that’s bad. I’m a little boy from Neverland. Think about it. Neverland? Little boy? They’ll try to crucify me.
Rapunzel: They’re definitely going to use my bizarre tresses to paint me as one of those new Long Hair Lesbians.
Alice: What do you think they’re going to turn me into, hanging out with a hookah-smoking caterpillar, eating an hallucinogenic mushroom? And I can’t even defend myself, because I don’t remember half the things I did.
Mary Poppins: I don’t know what they could possibly accuse me of…with the possible exception of my taking my umbrella and sticking it up their arses.