An Instruction Manual To Win Her Heart

I loved her—love will find its way
Through paths where wolves would fear to prey.

-Lord Byron
  1. Go to a party she is attending.
  2. Wear something very soft and alluring.
  3. Look at her.
  4. Look again.
  5. Ignore her.
  6. Flirt with her cousin.
  7. Accidentally brush past her, allowing her to feel your soft garment.
  8. Tell her she is the only interesting person at this dull affair.
  9. Be fascinated by her thoughts, no matter how insipid.
  10. Act as though she is the only woman in the world.
  11. Hint at a dark secret.
  12. Repeat steps 1 through 11 until she is quite mad for you.
  13. Confess your dark secret and weep like a child.
  14. Take her to a cemetery and make love to her on a spinster’s grave.
  15. Become her father.
  16. Become her mother.
  17. Take a sudden trip without telling her.
  18. Grow cold.
  19. Belittle her hopes and dreams.
  20. Sleep with her cousin.
  21. Confess your indiscretion and cry, but not like a little bitch.
  22. Take her to a church and make love in the confessional booth.
  23. Break off your relationship with her.
  24. Marry her cousin.
  25. Have a threesome with her and her cousin on your wedding night in the confessional booth.
  26. Have the marriage annulled on the grounds that you were high on opium during the ceremony.
  27. Tell her you wish to marry her, but you are unworthy of her love.
  28. Attempt to marry a goat.
  29. Repeat the steps above in any order you chose, but faster and more erratically.
  30. Commit her to an asylum after she has a hysterical breakdown.
  31. Receive a letter from the asylum gently explaining that she developed a mysterious wasting disease and died with your name on her lips.
  32. Become a nomad and drunkard, staggering from pub to brothel to flophouse, pursued by her weeping ghost until the end of your days.

If you have faithfully followed these instructions, congratulations—you have won her heart.

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