House Hunt: Million Dollar LA Listing Or Medieval Castle?

Turns out your real estate agent’s promise to “live like royalty” holds up — as long as the standard is feudal England.

  • Views, views, views! Situated at the top of an inaccessible hill, teetering on a 45% incline.
  • Surrounded by a chest-high barrier to fend off commoners.
  • The last property owners were colonized off to faraway lands, like Alhambra.
  • Fixtures are a little outdated, but nothing we can’t work with.
  • Could be really nice if you zhuzsh it up a bit!
  • Wow, that’s a lot of stonework.
  • Plenty of room! None of it closets.
  • Like, zero insulation.
  • Seems like a good hideaway from widespread infectious disease, but could ultimately be more of a hotbox situation.
  • Currently inhabited by some assholes named, like, Declan and Gwenyth.
  • One long, narrow hallway that mysteriously spits you out exactly where you started.
  • The basement kind of smells like blood?
  • Apparently run by humans; actually ruled by a complex ecosystem of rodents and spiders living in and around the walls.
  • 1,200 square feet of inexplicable nooks. Honestly, you can’t fit a normal-sized piece of furniture anywhere; the walls are all four feet long and made up of slightly-too-low windows and doors that open in. Are you just supposed to stand around in here or what?
  • At least one ghost, probably.
  • Floors so slanted your dropped expectations will roll right under the moulding and into the depths of the basement, comfortably settling into the sub-terrain alongside your hopes of becoming a California homeowner.
  • A lot to take care of by yourself, tbh.
  • Not as nice as whatever you’re renting.

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