Turns out your real estate agent’s promise to “live like royalty” holds up — as long as the standard is feudal England.

• Views, views, views! Situated at the top of an inaccessible hill, teetering on a 45% incline.
• Surrounded by a chest-high barrier to fend off commoners.
• The last property owners were colonized off to faraway lands, like Alhambra.
• Fixtures are a little outdated, but nothing we can’t work with.
• Could be really nice if you zhuzsh it up a bit!
• Wow, that’s a lot of stonework.
• Plenty of room! None of it closets.
• Like, zero insulation.
• Seems like a good hideaway from widespread infectious disease, but could ultimately be more of a hotbox situation.
• Currently inhabited by some assholes named, like, Declan and Gwenyth.
• One long, narrow hallway that mysteriously spits you out exactly where you started.
• The basement kind of smells like blood?
• Apparently run by humans; actually ruled by a complex ecosystem of rodents and spiders living in and around the walls.
• 1,200 square feet of inexplicable nooks. Honestly, you can’t fit a normal-sized piece of furniture anywhere; the walls are all four feet long and made up of slightly-too-low windows and doors that open in. Are you just supposed to stand around in here or what?
• At least one ghost, probably.
• Floors so slanted your dropped expectations will roll right under the moulding and into the depths of the basement, comfortably settling into the sub-terrain alongside your hopes of becoming a California homeowner.
• A lot to take care of by yourself, tbh.
• Not as nice as whatever you’re renting.