Dear People of NASA –
While scrolling thru 4chan this weekend, I came across a story detailing a proposal from researchers calling for a binary-coded message “developed for transmission to extraterrestrial intelligences in the Milky Way galaxy,” that will include scientific concepts including the human form.
I write today to volunteer to serve as the male model for this friggin’ awesome idea.
The article I skimmed said the idea is to beam a message out into space that would include a time stamp, location stamp, visual representations of the DNA double-helix structure and a hydrogen atom, visual explanations of algebra and other mathematical operations, an illustration of the solar system, a map of the earth, and a smiling image of two human bodies, one male and one female.
To be honest, I don’t really know jack about all the other stuff but check out the enclosed picture of me (with clothes on) waving while stagedooring the most recent UFC fight here in Philly. As you can see, I have a wave and personality that aliens, unlike the security guards at the Wells Fargo Center, would probably welcome and not mind hanging around all day. Before you ask, I do have experience with taking and sending nude images as called for in the proposal. Or at least parts of me have that experience.
Also, I have reason to suspect that aliens might find me attractive. I base this largely on my lack of success with what you science types might call “terrestrial” dating apps. I have tried most of them and let’s just say that Cupid is not OK and Earth girls are not swiping right very often – at least not those within 250 miles of Philly. To get a sense of what we are working with here, also enclosed are some of my profile photos including me in front of the gym mirror, me in front of the bathroom mirror at Voyeurs Night Club and one where if you look over my left shoulder you can sort of see the back of Joe Rogan’s head. I also have photos where I’m not in tank tops if that is something you would like to see.
If ladies of Earth are not responding, doesn’t it make sense that maybe extraterrestrials might see my picture and think “hey, that gentleman seems cool and is pretty jacked too”? I’ll leave the math to you guys but the outer space odds have to tilt in my favor, right? Surely the entire universe doesn’t want to left swipe me.
Oh, also, the article said something about using a telescope in China to send the message. I’m not exactly sure how it all works and if I would need to actually go to the telescope to be beamed, but I don’t have a passport. If that is a problem, maybe NASA can contact somebody at the passport place to expedite all of that, assuming a couple of misdemeanors solely due to poor communication and a few moving violations are not huge issues.
In conclusion, I love space (“Armageddon” is definitely one of the best movies ever), I love America and I love posing for pictures. I’m single and pumped AF for this mission.
Let’s Do This,
Peter “Petey” Filmanowicz