The Parables From Jesus Of Costco

Our Savior returned- with coupons, samples and parking tips. 

Jesus Christ, Son of our Father, THE LORD, revisited mankind and worked at Costco Maui, the busiest franchise in the United States, from November through late January. His new disciples — Kimo, Annette, Kirk, Caleb and Donna Ray — recorded His new teachings to the Costco Maui Facebook page for all to see.

Donna Ray 11/12
Jesus said to him, “I am the way inside, and the counter of people, and the security guard. No one enters the kingdom of Costco without showing me their card first.”

Donna Ray 11/13
“Love thy parking spot! For Our Father giveth good spaces to those who pray, and sends non-believers to places far away. Ignore those who wait impatiently for your departure! In that way, ye shall organize thy vessel well.”

Kirk 11/15
“It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is to get an EV parking space at Costco on Maui.”

Caleb 11/18
“The Costco is my shepherd. I shall not want small portions. He maketh me lie down on green sofas; He leadeth me to vitamin water.

Kirk 11/23
“Whoever oppresses the poor for his own increase and whoever gives to the rich, may still hold a Costco Gold star membership.”

Caleb 11/24
“My sheep hear my voice, and God knows, there’s a lot of them at Costco, and they follow no order. Like salmoning up the aisles leading to the checkout lines. And Costco gives unto them free samples; and they shall never be satisfied because it is not a meal, nor shall anyone pluck a sample from behind the counter, for it is forbidden.”

Donna Ray 11/25
“Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all ye who wait until the day before Thanksgiving to shop!”

Kirk 11/28
“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will show you how to pick out a ripe pineapple.”

Kirk 12/12
And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not where things are located, as the aisles are not labeled.” And the tourists cast their lots, and then became lost near the garment section.

Kirk 12/17
Then Jesus said, “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. So don’t bother asking where the protein bars have been relocated.”

Caleb 12/23
“For it is by Grace alone that you have a reservation with the tire center. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of Grace, the assistant manager, so that no one may boast.”

Caleb 12/24
“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you, as you rush to a newly opened checkout lane. Rejoice and be glad, because it is your weekend, and soon your shopping will be done.”

Caleb 12/30
“To what shall I compare the kingdom of Costco? It is like leaven that a woman took and hid in three measures of flour, until it was all leavened. Then branded it as Kirkland Sourdough.”

Annette 1/2
“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.”‍ (Jesus — trying to get out of working a shift at the food court.)

Annette 1/3
“What should we buy?” the tourist asked. “We’re only here for a couple of days.” Jesus answered, “Buy what you need, for it is still cheaper than Safeway. Whoever has leftover spirits or food should donate to the needy — like the snorkel boat tour guides.”

Kirk 1/5
Jesus said, “Man shall not live on bread alone. Therefore, there are many gluten-free alternatives at Costco.”

Kimo 1/8
Jesus told his co-worker at lunch, “In the garden of the food court menu you may freely eat; but of the chicken bake of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely have diarrhea.”

Kimo 1/11
When he had received the drink, Jesus said, “It is finished.” With that, He refilled his Pepsi.

Kimo 1/12
Then He shouted at the SUV as it drove off, “Depart from me, ye who are lazy, into the eternal fire and brimstone prepared for those who do not return shopping carts!”

Donna Ray 1/13
“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who grabs a flat-bed cart instead of a regular one before shopping.”

Kimo 1/14
“I have told you these things, so you may get through Costco faster. But in this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I too have to wait in line to get Costco gas!”

All went well until Jesus opened a Twitter account and was swiftly crucified again. Jesus emerged three days later at the Four Seasons, but when it was revealed that He had risen again, he asked to be left alone, saying he, “just wanted to chill out for a few days before returning to heaven.”

Although no modern miracles were witnessed during his return to Earth, the fact that Jesus managed to avoid working any mandatory overtime hours during the busiest time of the year was viewed by many fellow employees as “truly miraculous.”

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