Chief Kitchen Fruit Fly Here To Inform You Blockheads That Your Unrealistic Food Goals Inspired Us To Settle In Your Lovely Home

When you said, “Save those bananas, honey; I’m gonna make banana bread this weekend!” Janet, you know that ain’t happening. But still, good effort. And thank you. We are so very appreciative of your hospitality.

When your daughter said, “I’m really gonna stick to my diet this time. No more bagels for breakfast; I’ll start each day with an apple!” Very ambitious, Kelly, but you know you’ve been stopping at Dunkin Donuts every damn morning without telling anybody. These apples are delicious, though. Thanks!

When your mother-in-law said, “I bought some avocados; I’m going to make us guacamole!” and then got busy and ended up just putting out some salsa to go with the chips instead. Avocados rot so quickly, and they can be a real hot commodity. I mean, have you heard about the avocado business these days? You’re spoiling us, Lillian, really!

When your five-year-old arbitrarily screamed, “I want PEARS!” four times in a row in the grocery store, you knew he wouldn’t eat them, but you wanted to avoid a produce-aisle-tantrum so bought them anyway. Your loss is our gain! Liam, the pears smell incredible by the way. I can see why you wanted them so bad. My cousins and I will orbit those things all. day. long.

When your teen spilled a full glass of orange juice and grabbed the paper towels, you argued that it was “wasteful” and instructed him to “use the dish rag” instead. You inadvertantly coached young Jaden to create a sweetly moist citrus bed for me and my entire family. Thank you both. Truly a blessing. 

When your husband said, “Don’t throw those soda cans in the trash; put them aside for the recycling.” Dave knew deep down that those sweet, sticky, open cans would sit there for a full week before he’d bring them to the redemption center. Excellent, just excellent. So very delicious. So very grateful. 

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