When I applied for the position of God’s executive assistant, my thought was that it would be an excellent stepping stone to bigger things. I had worked for three different CEOs in the previous four years. Each career move that I made was carefully calculated. My stock was on the rise. Working with a legend like the Lord was also a big factor. Along with Thomas Edison and Ernie Kovacs, God is one of the great creative minds. A name like His on my LinkedIn profile would be extremely impressive. The benefits package was pretty sweet as well, with full medical and dental, three weeks of paid vacation, plus a stock option. And I could work from home (Honestly, that’s a commute I only want to make once). 

The woman that I replaced was a sweet old lady who had been in the position since the 1980s. Previous to working for God, Ruth spent time in advertising and brought those skills with her. You may be familiar with the popular “coexist” bumper stickers. That very successful ad campaign was Ruth’s idea. It worked very effectively, bringing a new generation into the flock. The message was much more endearing than the previous slogan, “It’s Yahweh or the Highway!”

Ruth and her husband Bo are RV-ing the contiguous forty-eight now, searching for the perfect pancake. 

Now, the typical man on the street would probably think that the Lord would have a state-of-the-art operation. Unfortunately, that man would be incorrect. For instance, the whole chapter and verse system for biblical reference was a little too “Guttenberg” for me. Instead, I ran the text through a cross-reference software that my ten-year-old nephew uses for his baseball cards. This made it possible to pull up any line you want with a simple keyword search. It’s a real time-saver when preparing sermons and such. I also spent quite a bit of time transferring His files onto digital storage media. This took not only a lot of time but a good bit of salesmanship on my part. When you’ve worked with papyrus scrolls and stone tablets as long as God has, you get set in your ways. After I pointed out that the file room would make an awesome man-cave, He was all for the change. The Boss needed extensive instruction but seems comfortable using flash drives now. I’ve also suggested using Microsoft PowerPoint for future presentations instead of a burning bush. It’s safer and eco-friendly. 

What I hope to accomplish today is to eliminate a lot of repetitive emails and inquiries. Some of the most frequently asked questions are listed below. 

Q: Why is the sky blue?

A: I could give you the scientific mumbo-jumbo about light and whatnot. But the bottom line is He likes blue. And His inability to choose between light blue and dark blue is why we have night and day. Otherwise, it would be 12:36 all the time.

Q: Do dogs go to heaven? 

A: Heaven is full of animals, and dogs are no exception. Heaven for dogs means a clean fire hydrant, and there’s plenty. No shortage of old shoes to chew on either. Angels provide belly rubs on request, and there are lots of table scraps.

Q: Does Hell exist? 

A: It does. However, it’s not the lake of fire or concentric circles type. Lost souls began tuning out all that static and coasting through eternity with minor discomfort. Now it’s the “Worst Nightmare” treatment. Whatever your worst conceivable existence is – a room full of rats or snakes, separating fly turds from ground pepper, confrontation with your ex – whatever it is. Then add extreme food poisoning, a pebble in your shoe, and a constant loop of yacht rock. That’s Hell 2.0.

Q: Is there life after death?

A: You have things out of order. Death comes after life. Life is where you are now. If you’re asking if there is something after death, my advice would be to start living life now, while making some serious deposits into your good karma account. That whole “camel through the eye of a needle” bit is NOT hyperbole. 

Q: Does God hear my prayers?

A: Yes. He does. Do you hear His? 

I hope that your questions were answered, but if not feel free to contact one of our friendly customer service representatives, Monday thru Friday 9 AM – 4 PM EST.