The spilling of the telltale milk

We know, we know – when you meet a new mom, the main thing you want to know is “are you breastfeeding?”, or in other words, “do you love your baby?” Usually, it’s okay to ask directly. I mean, what is a mother but a big ol’ bag of milk? But in those cases where you need to be a little more subtle, here are our top tips for uncovering the truth about those nips.

1.    Go in for a hug and breathe in deeply as you embrace. No crusty milk smell, no breasty used well.

2.    For moms at work, put tape on the perimeter of the lactation room door and check daily to see if it’s broken. That’ll show if you’re using your breasts properly, Barbara!

3.    Pretend to use a breast pump incorrectly (for example, shove in a fruit and use it as a juicer) and see if anyone corrects you.

4.    As part of a potluck buffet line, casually leave out a package of milk storage bags and see if anyone bites. Nursing moms won’t be able to resist!

5.    During a social call, casually ask to see your host’s chest freezer. No chest freezer? I think we know what that means, ladies…

6.    Suspecting that your new acquaintance is wearing a portable pump right now? Find an organic way to ask her to load the dishwasher or tie a shoe. Noticeable milk spots appear? High-five, girlfriend!

7.    Count pillows when you pop by to deliver a casserole. New breastfeeding moms should have at least 12. Note, however, an important conversion: Boppy pillows count as 3 pillows each.

8.    At a barely-audible level, whisper the word “mastitis” near the new parent in question, and see if they cringe reflexively.

9.    In a picnic or intramural sports setting, flip a football over to your gal and ask her to think fast. Does she instinctively cradle the ball to her side and tickle it to keep it awake? The milk is strong with this one.