The Weird Al
The perfect style for a special occasion, or a morning you have six full hours to spare that you’ll never get back. If you oil every strand within an inch of death, AND remain in an air-conditioned environment at all times, AND the keratin Gods are smiling down on you, there is a minute possibility that you could achieve this immaculate, frizz-free curl pattern you’d strangle your granny for. Let’s face it though, this is an absolute best-case scenario.
…is a much more realistic goal and the perfect everyday, sweaty wet-look. Weighing 18lbs plus water weight, this wall of wool is unmatched for frizz and traps heat, keeping your body temperature at a toasty 110F at all times. An army of bobby pins, clips and clasps cannot tame this dragon. Fun fact: the Hermione has been voted the “Hair that Makes You Wish You Had No Hair” every year since 33 BC.
The Bob Ross
You know what? If you can make a Bob Ross happen, you work that Bob Ross with pride! You might boil, but you’ll boil in style, baby! A timeless classic. No notes.
The Monica in Barbados
A bonkers barnet for high humidity days, the Monica grows directly outwards à la Krusty the Clown. Equally terrible for work and play, people have officially begun to stare. If braids are not an option for you, better scrape it into a mammoth topknot just to get the dang stuff out of your face. You will shed hair ties wherever you roam for five solid months, and the cost of mousses, serums, cremes, conditioners, potions, and snake oil forces you to take out a second mortgage. Seriously consider rage-shaving the whole damn thing off. Do it! Do it! Do it now!
The Swamp Thing
This tangled, untamable clump pairs well with a sullen, defeated expression. There is no excusing it – you have officially given up and it shows. Your friends and family are planning an intervention. Your status as “moderately presentable human being” has been revoked, and you are facing an inquiry at work. Act now, friend! Buzzzzzzzzzzz.
The Full-On Medusa
AAAARGH! Athena was on vacation, so the humidity has taken matters into its own hands. You are a Gorgon with a literal head of serpents, hideous to behold! They hiss all night, nibble your ears nonstop, and the shedding is unbearable. That nest on your noggin is also full of eggs! Reach for the razor and end this madness before it’s too late!
Aaah, blessed relief, just in time for fall… Oh no, what have I done?!!