I’ve been scrolling through Insta for the perfect dog and I’ve decided that I have to have a Labradoodlechiweeniegerberianshepsky of my very own. 

Here are some of the qualities of a Labradoodlechiweeniegerberianshepsky:

They’re either freakishly smart or incredibly stupid. 

They’re hypoallergenic, but only on Mondays and Thursdays.

They’re allergic to grass, trees, flowers, your particular brand of laundry detergent, and air.

Their allergy pills cost $500 per month, but they won’t swallow a pill unless it’s hidden inside a piece of Wagyu beef that’s been flown in from Japan within the last 24 hours (they will know).

They need to be groomed at least once a week, but they hate being touched, so they have to be muzzled and lifted into the air in a harness like Pink at her Vegas residency.

On the plus side, they’ll eat almost anything: TV remotes, socks, Michael Kors ballet flats size 9 that you wrestled another woman for in a pop-up on West 32nd, aluminum foil, pillows, toilet paper, game controllers. Anything except the 50-pound bag of dog food you carried up three flights of stairs. 

Their bark can shatter glass, which will annoy your neighbor who is a professional musical wine glass player. Maybe start buying replacement wine glasses of various sizes now. 

There’s a three-year wait list to own a Labradoodlechiweeniegerberianshepsky since the breeding process is incredibly laborious, exhausting for the dogs (some of whom need step stools to get the job done), and illegal in several Southern states. 

I’m saving up money for a puppy since the average cost of a Labradoodlechiweeniegerberianshepsky is $5,000, not including airfare, the cost of a background check (including fingerprints and DNA analysis), and the fenced-in backyard I’ll need to install at the house I haven’t bought yet. Nothing’s too good for my future furbaby, even a soul-crushing mortgage on a 2-bed, 2-bath colonial in flyover country. 

Sure, I’ll miss my friends and family, and I’ll have to find a new job that will let me bring my 175-pound Labradoodlechiweeniegerberianshepsky to work with me since they’re notorious for having separation anxiety. But it will all be totally worth it to have a best friend with an anticipated life span of seven to 10 years.