He’s sticking to his home office routine because he’s got a good thing going and those tilapia need him! 

Beloved Fall is upon us! And let’s agree that this Fall is one of the most magical in years. Pumpkin Spice Oreos are back! Temperatures in the western U.S. have mellowed to a crisp 92! Children are nestled back into classrooms, practicing lockdown drills and having beloved books snatched out of their grubby little hands. And, in a blaze of glory for corporations, employees all across America have been coerced back in the office. 

Well, employees all across America, except in your house, Susan. Nope. Your husband is definitely not back in the office. Nevermind that most of his company went back last Fall. Nevermind that he’s forgoing a litany of ridiculous incentives. Home is where he’s staying. Susan. Home is a wonder. He’s got you, he’s got flexibility, he’s got comfort, and he’s got hobbies like cooking and tilapia farming! He’s never going back into the office! 

Indeed, white collar employees have realized that the collaborative atmosphere of an office cannot be fully replicated over Zoom. They’ve also discovered that a steady stream of company-sponsored  gourmet food trucks and cider swilling soirees are better than endless days of frozen burritos and funky homemade kombucha. 

But, Susan, your husband shuns such corporate gluttony! He doesn’t need a free lunch! He hopped hard onto the hobbyist bandwagon in March 2020 and became a chef and a farmer! A chef and a farmer of a singular sort. No one could have predicted when he picked up Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything that he’d fixate on one dangerous sentence on page 607: “You, personally, could probably dig a hole in the ground, fill it with water, and become a tilapia farmer tomorrow.” Yes, Susan, your husband read a sidebar takedown of tilapia and improbably took it as a personal directive! He dug a ditch out back that afternoon. And he’s either a tilapia whisperer or those suckers are like rabbits, because he’s producing a lot of that flaccid fish. The “chef” portion of his persona involves salt, pepper, and the toaster oven. Your house, your furniture, your clothing, his breath, all smell like a long forgotten Long John Silver’s. He’s so proud, Susan! 

Susan, you have a tilapia ditch in your backyard, a preponderance of fish detritus in your trash, and your husband is never going back to the office. He sits beside you every day and chatters away as he slurps up his squishy ditch fish, while you silently cry into your salad. You used to have time to yourself, Susan, but that’s been over for a while, it’s time to get over it. Your husband is never going back to the office. 

Yes, all across America, employees have realized that getting a cash bonus for going back to the office is helpful in these inflationary times! But Susan, your husband “can’t be bought.” Plus, he grows his own protein now, which saves money! And let’s not forget the $42 he made by selling ten pounds of tilapia to your parents last year! He’s very proud of that, Susan. He couldn’t possibly carry on in this way from the company office. 

In many cases, people are heading back to the office because companies have lured them with treadmill desks or free memberships to posh gyms. But Susan, your husband doesn’t need that! Why would he go to an office when at home he can strip down to his underwear at 2PM and hop on the Peloton? Yes, he’s still doing the Peloton and yes, his leaderboard name is FlyTalapiaGuy78. If he’s not on that bike, he’s jogging around the edge of his tilapia ditch, admiring his filthy progeny. You once spied him taking a dip in that disgusting thing. Susan, he’s out of his mind! He’s lost track of his priorities! Does he even still have a real job? Susan, why are you screaming into a pillow? 

So cheers to you, corporate America! Enjoy these buzzy days of extravagant spending, artisanal donut trucks, and full offices. 

As for you, Susan, perhaps it’s time you found a job with one of these free-spending companies because your husband is never, ever going back to the office.