Hello there, “internet explorer” (lol)! I noticed you glancing at my Facebook ad, the one that popped up in your newsfeed next to those targeted ads for Noom and Goldbelly. It’s clear that you have absolutely no idea what you want out of life. Is it weight loss for good? Or whole cheesecakes mailed to you from Brooklyn’s best bakery? It’s high time someone—or someTHING—stepped in and made some changes!

Well, it’s your lucky day, my pathetic friend. I, a simple, cotton-poly blend dress, am here, as my advertisement promises, to completely transform your life.

Let’s get started, shall we?

First, a few pesky details: selecting a color and fit. I’ve made that easy for you, as whatever bright color or vivid pattern you choose, it will not be available in your size. Indeed, the only option you have in XL is Olive Drab. Not quite the Purple Paisley you were hoping for, but whose fault is it that you can’t shoehorn yourself into XXS? Perhaps your recurring cheesecake order was unadvisable?

At any rate, now, freed from the Tyranny of Choice, you can settle back while I describe my primary, life-changing feature.

Namely, pockets. So many, many pockets. Front pockets, side pockets, tiny pockets within those pockets, pockets at the neckline and waistline and hem. You’ll never need to carry a purse or shopping bag–you can just stash your deli meats and electric toothbrush in my vast, capacious and numerous pockets. Add your laptop, headphones and spare heels to my multitude of pockets; I am a complete, stylish storage system you can wear! Best not to check yourself out in a mirror when you’re “fully loaded,” though, because you’ll look exactly like a pregnant kangaroo.

But there’s so much more to me than just my utility!

I am the perfect dress for whatever your days may bring, and frankly, your days are about to get much more interesting. Instead of sitting around waiting for your cheesecake delivery, now it’ll be high-powered meetings, drinks and the opera with a handsome man of mystery. Just put me on, and your pockets will suddenly be filled with your passport and extra underwear, all set for that last-minute romantic getaway to Casablanca. Pull me over your head, and presto! Suitably attired to argue that landmark case before the Supreme Court!

Wearing me is guaranteed to give you perfectly toned muscles (thanks, heavy-laden pockets!) and raise your IQ dramatically. When you select me from your wardrobe, you’ll finally be able to speak fluent Swahili and understand string theory. Garbed with me, you’ll win an Ironman triathlon (yes, there’s ample room in those pockets for a folding bike!), deliver a TED talk about supply-side economics (with pockets full of flow charts) and perform open heart surgery (a scalpel fits nicely in Pocket #27B), without missing a beat. How does THAT sound?

All this, and we haven’t even talked price yet! Well, thanks to the cheerful and hard-working laborers in sweltering third-world factories who assembled me, I only cost $19.99! And if you ever start to feel conflicted about supporting overseas sweatshops paying slave wages, I will sense your unease and deliver a tiny but powerful electric shock through your left hip pocket. You’ll immediately forget all your silly scruples, and just go back to enjoying my softness and fashionable fit.

Yes, the moment you pull me from my Amazon packaging will be your defining moment as a human being. No decision you could ever make will have more of an impact on your life. I only hope you’ll remember to thank me when you, proudly clad in Olive Drab, win the Oscar, the Nobel Peace Prize, AND Best of Breed in the Westminster Dog Show, because none of this would be possible without me, your flattering and all-powerful dress.

So go ahead! Add me to your shopping cart, grab that credit card and get ready to clothe yourself, for the first time ever in your miserable life, with success. Enjoy becoming an entirely new you–glowing, confident and accomplished—all thanks to me, your fabulous, life-changing dress.

But as you sail triumphantly into the future, never, ever forget the single most important thing about me:

Tumble dry low.