Sorry. Do you mind not talking. Or if you want to talk, maybe go out to the bar? I’m trying to film this concert.

Well, I didn’t come here to get a video of the concert and have you talking about your sister’s foot problem all over it, did I? It’s a wart, by the way. She should see a doctor.

It doesn’t matter that it’s between songs, I like to pick up the general atmos of the event. An unintelligible but noticeable crowd noise, a low hubbub, if you will, rather than individual conversations about warts. Gives the film more of a sense of actually being here.

Look, it’s hard enough trying to film a concert without you two being difficult about it. I have to hold my phone above the crowd for the entire time. Do you know what that’s like? It’s alright at first, but by about the third or fourth song, it’s really quite painful. But that’s what I do to have a genuine record of concerts that I attend and maintain a YouTube channel with over 200 hundred subscribers. It’s a price I’m willing to pay.

No, I’m not saying don’t talk, obviously I’m not saying don’t talk. I’m just saying that if you have to talk, then maybe go into the bar where you can-

Oh, no. No, I’m sorry. Excuse me, sir? Could you not stand there, please. Not in front of me. No, look, I’m trying to film this, and you’re quite tall so I’m going to end up with your head bobbing up into the frame which’ll really take away from the immersive feel of what I’m trying to do here.

I know you bought a ticket. I bought a ticket too. I’m just asking for a little consideration is all, from you, and from these other two with their sister’s wart, then perhaps we can all enjoy our time here. So, if you could just move, please.

No, not there either. No, because if you get caught up in things, you might end up dancing across in front of my camera again. I know, why not stand behind me?

No, a bit further back. Thanks. I’ll send you a link for my YouTube channel.

Now, actually, excuse me, you guys? Sorry, I don’t want to be difficult, but like I just said to that fellow, if we could just make the effort to keep a nice amount of space free in front of my camera, please. About two metres free. In a cone shape. That way I still get the crowd but the focus is much more on the band. Look, it’s not difficult, just imagine a cone shape in front of my camera, and don’t stand there.

And could we cheer a bit more. In fact, everyone. EVERYONE! Can I just have your attention please.

Sorry, just one second Taylor. I just need to sort this out and then back over to you for your next song.

Everyone, yeah? Sorry, everyone, just listen to me a minute. Right, for my filming, can you try and keep it down during the songs please so I’m only getting the band, and then in between songs, really loud cheering. You know, really loud, like you’re really having a good time, then take it down to a nice general hubbub as they introduce the next song.

Yes. Question.

No, I’d rather you didn’t sing along, I mean, people aren’t watching the video to hear you sing, are they? Unless, of course, you’re asked by the artist to engage in a sort of call-and-response scenario. Be aware though, that if they do that, I may want to get some pick-ups of the crowd doing the response part. We can do that after the concert’s finished. So, lighting guys? If you could just wait around after the concert as I may need you to recreate any lighting that we had during the call-and-response for the pick-ups, for consistency. Thanks.

Okay. So, we’re all clear. Nice cone-shaped space in front of the camera, no noise during the songs and then really, really loud cheering when the songs finish. Okay, back to you guys up on stage now,  and really try and put some effort into the show. You know, really give it everything you’ve got. There are over two hundred people watching on my YouTube channel so, you know, big deal.

Alright. Everyone ready? Go!

Ah shit. Low battery. Wait, wait, wait. Can everyone just give me half an hour so I can get home and charge my phone.