A is for Arbitrage. Mr. Snowball stumbled upon a failsafe arbitrage opportunity in the agricultural commodities market.
B is for Bankruptcy. Mr. Snowball was a savvy trader and knew that securing this complex derivatives position in carrot futures was his last chance to avoid bankruptcy.
C is for Capital. Mr. Snowball would have to move fast if he was going to raise sufficient capital to go big on this once-in-a-lifetime trade.
D is for Debt. With a bit of creative accounting, Mr. Snowball was able to convince his lenders to underwrite several million dollars in short-term debt to finance the deal.
E is for Equity. The value of Mr. Snowball’s equity stake was made highly volatile by his debt position, granting him truly enormous upside.
F is for Fiduciary. It was Mr. Snowball’s fiduciary duty to maximize the return on his clients’ investments and, with the information he had, not trading on it would be the crime.
G is for Gargantuan. Mr. Snowball would finally be able to catch up on the gargantuan child-support IOU that he’d been accruing with the former Mrs. Snowball and their fifty children.
H is for Hedge Fund. Mr. Snowball’s little independent hedge fund would not only remain solvent, but would finally be taken seriously… if he could pull this off before news officially broke about that devastating carrot fungus.
I is for Insider Trading. Okay, Mr. Snowball knew there was a lot of gray area in the law when it comes to insider trading; plus, he was running too small of an operation to attract attention from the feds.
J is for Justice. That being said, Mr. Snowball was not going to leave a paper trail for the CFTC and Department of Justice to potentially take completely out of context.
K is for Killing. Holy shit, Mr. Snowball was going to make an absolute killing on this trade. He could buy a second hutch, maybe in a warren out on Cape Cod, right on the water. The former Mrs. Snowball would see how stupid she’d been to run off with Mr. Fuzzybuns.
L is for Leveraged. Mr. Snowball was not in the least bit concerned about how leveraged his balance sheet had become. This was a no-doubter, absolute 100% sure thing. There was literally zero risk.
M is for Mortgage. Mr. Snowball even took out a second mortgage to invest as much as he could in this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. All he had to do now was kick back and wait for the money to multiply.
N is for Nosedive. Wait, what? Was this really happening? No, it’s not possible. It had to be a bad dream… Mr. Snowball’s investment had taken an impossible nosedive.
O is for Oh No. Oh no… No, no, no, no, no this can’t be happening to Mr. Snowball.
P is for Prison. Was Mr. Snowball going to have to go to prison? No, of course not. He had been extremely careful. They wouldn’t be able to prove anything. He could be on a flight to Switzerland before anyone can get suspicious.
Q is for Questioning. Federal agents arrived at Mr. Snowball’s house and took him downtown for questioning.
R is for Reckless. In a cold windowless room, an agent told Mr. Snowball that he had been irresponsible and reckless. Mr. Snowball was told he could go home, but his accounts would be frozen and any travel would need to be pre-approved.
S is for Summons. Mr. Snowball was served with a summons to appear in court for an initial hearing.
T is for Ticket. Mr. Snowball borrowed his old dam’s credit card to buy a one-way plane ticket to Geneva Airport, but was arrested while connecting in Newark.
U is for Unequivocal. Mr. Snowball’s attorney informed him that the prosecution had found unequivocal evidence against him for conspiracy, fraud, insider trading, and unlawful flight to avoid prosecution, and his best option was to ask for a plea bargain and start naming names.
V is for Verdict. Mr. Snowball was no snitch and believed his counsel should be able to demonstrate reasonable doubt, but after months of proceedings it took less than an hour of deliberation before the jury would agree on a verdict of “guilty on all counts.”
W is for Warden. Upon Mr. Snowball’s incarceration, the prison’s warden would say that it was greedy people like you, Mr. Snowball, that were ruining this world for everyone else.
X is for X-Factor. How could Mr. Snowball have ever in a million years foreseen that x-factor in the markets that derailed his otherwise bulletproof plan? It was a perfect storm, a one in a billion chance.
Y is for Yield. The yield on Mr. Snowball’s investment should have been in the high triple digits.
Z is for Zero. Mr. Snowball didn’t deserve this. Mr. Snowball was just trying to be good at his job. Mr. Snowball never hurt anyone. Mr. Snowball was a martyr to a crooked broken system that rewards slackers and cowards. Now Mr. Snowball would have to live out the rest of his days behind bars with a zero percent chance of parole.
Little Old Lady Comedy 