How To Tell Your Parents That You Invested In Crypto

Step 1: Bring a bottle of your parents’ favorite vintage.

So what if it goes for $199.99 per bottle? You’re about to be rich! Pass that Alsatian wine or port or whatever gold dust and unicorn blood is in that thing around like it’s Jagermeister at Rush Week and get your parents tanked.

Step 2: Alleviate their worst fears.

If your parents are middle-aged reform Jews, for example, you might inform them that you’re not planning on getting a Christmas tree ever, even if you marry your shiksa girlfriend. 

Or, if your parents still harp on the one time they caught you smoking pot in 10th grade, a simple, “Pot really is a gateway drug. I don’t care if it’s legal now — so are Christmas decorations on December 26th” will do. [This one will also work on your Jewish parents.]

Pro tip: Unless your parents are highly maladjusted or time-traveled here from the twentieth century, “I’m not gay” probably won’t carry much weight. You being gay would give them street cred among the other liberal Boomers on their suburban, white picket fence block. If anything, being heterosexual makes you a disappointment.

Step 3: Make your case.

Sample argument: 

“There are these cool things called NFTs. It’s like you own something, but you don’t really have it. But you pay for it. It’s, like, revolutionary. I have this totally rad digital Picasso replica, if Picasso were a 23-year-old skateboarder named Zippo who lives in an artist commune. Well, I don’t have it, per se…”

Step 4: Deescalate the situation. 

Chances are, you will get some pushback. This is to be expected. Tell them that they don’t have to transform their supplementary kitchen back into your childhood bedroom. Those granite counters are here to stay. 

Nor will they have to look into the tiny house trend.

Step 5: Remind them of the advantages.


“I’m going to be rich. My friend Josh has this guy who knows this guy who’s like a blockchain genius. He says what’s going on is just a minor setback. By the end of this year, people are going to be breaking down my door trying to get a load of Zippo’s nail-clipping Picasso piece. But I’m not gonna sell. You couldn’t pay me enough.

Step 6: If all else fails, use the magic word.

The magic word is “Medicare.”

This has nothing to do with you investing in crypto. It will just make your parents’ faces light up. 

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