A hologram of the house you could have afforded by now if you’d been born in the sixties, with a graph showing how many of your current apartments could fit in it, adjusted for inflation

Your $90 snake plant, risen from the dead and really mad at you because it didn’t “just die,” you forgot to water it but you apparently had plenty of time to watch all three seasons of “Love is Blind”

A letter from the IRS showing how much more money you’d owe them if you were a man, but even after all that you owed them, you’d still have, like, twice as much money as you have now

Every engaged couple you know yelling “I can’t wait to do life with you!” at the same time 

Every engaged couple you know yelling “my forever dance partner!” at the same time

A banquet of lean cuisine

The guy you went on fifteen dates with and even went so far as to tell your therapist you thought you might be “falling in love with” telling you that he’s so glad you’re both on the same page about keeping this “super casual” and that he’s “still enjoying being single”

A room full of average white guys asking if you’ve read Infinite Jest (you have)

The president of your DSA chapter pulling you aside because you’ve been exhibiting NIMBY-like behavior lately and he’s this close to asking if you own Atlas Shrugged.

Hall of your iMac’s Photo Booth photos from 2007

You asked your gynecologist if you should start freezing your eggs soon and fully expected her to chastise you for being way too much of a planner, but instead she says “I didn’t know you still wanted kids!”

Lifesize Polly Pocket

Nathan Fielder reading your Instagram DM but not responding

Nathan Fielder reading your Instagram DM and responding “k”

Not-yet-broken-in Doc Martens

A witch in low-rise jeans