Thank you for being a previous voter! Your friends and family may need your reminder to vote. Please ask them to vote in the Tues.
Oct. (oops, it can’t come soon enough, amirite?) Nov. 8 election!
Thank you for being a previous voter! The organizers of this postcard campaign suggested we write our messages in cheerful colors to get your attention—you know, in case that whole last-free-and-fair-election business didn’t grab you. Who knew a new set of HappyBrite markers could save democracy? Please vote in the Tues, Nov. 8 election.
Thank you for being a first-time voter! You may find it alarming that a complete stranger has been given access to your name, address, political party, and prior voting status, but the volunteer coordinators assure us this is very much legal. Not to worry, though, I won’t come visit you—I don’t even live in your state! I’m a motivational carpetbagger, ha ha! Please vote in the Tues, Nov. 8 election!
Thank you for being a first-time voter! They tell us to stick to the script for these messages, but I couldn’t help but notice we have the same first name. It’s almost like writing to a past, more hopeful version of me, the one who went into battle with a ballot in one hand and a well-worn voter guide in the other. Now my battlefield is a dining room table with a stack of postcards and three fingers of bourbon. Please channel the younger me and vote in the Tues. Nov 8 election!
Thank you for being a previous voter. I admire your unflagging faith in our deeply flawed, endlessly depressing election process. We all know what they say about the definition of insanity, but please don’t let that dissuade you from voting in the Tues. Nov 8 election!
Thank you for being a first-time voter! You may think it’s pretty wild that we feel the need to write to you, seeing as how you literally just registered to vote and all; like you’d get pissed off enough to register one month and forget the next… well, here we are. Please make a plan to get to the polls on Tues. Nov. 8 before elections are verboten!
Thank you for being a first-time voter! Please vote in the Tues. Nov 8 election while the regime still allows our gender to read and write—and drink bourbon, which is the only thing getting me through these postcards.
It’s me again, the older you. I was just thinking about how, when I was a fresh-faced first-time voter like you, I would never have suspected that the fabric of our democracy would become as flimsy as a 4” X 6” postcard with a 20 cent stamp. And yet…
Please vote in the Tues. Nov 8 election!
Thank you for being a first-time voter! This may be the first get-out-the-vote postcard you’ve ever received, but believe me, it won’t be the last. I suggest saving them for kindling for the coming apocalypse—unless our guy wins.
Please please please vote in the Tues. Nov 8 election!
Thank you for being a previous voter! The folks organizing this post card push say we should keep our messages non-partisan because voters react more positively to them, but I think it’s to decrease the odds of our cards getting “delivered” en masse to a dumpster behind a Chick-fil-A. Here’s hoping you get this and vote in the Tues. Nov 8 election!
Yeah, it’s me again. I keep thinking about how I used to feel like you, a mighty warrior in the creation of our ever more perfect union. I’ve since seen many an election cycle come and go, and I feel proud to guide you through this one, first-timer. I am the Gandalf to your Frodo, the Yoda to your Luke. Keep the faith, young one—one of us has to. Vote in the Tues. Nov 8 election!
Thank you for being a previous voter! No, I don’t hold you responsible for your current governor. I know you’re doing the best you can in your gerrymandered AF district. But as long as we’re still bothering to hold elections, I’ll pour another glass of bourbon and write more postcards. Please ask as many cool people as you can find to vote on Tues. Nov 8!
Dude, did you see the last debate? Really, how is it possible that anyone needs to write postcards to potential voters after watching that trainwreck? I mean, this is the opponent and we’re still uncertain which way it’s gonna go?
For the love of God, Mark, please vote in the Tues. Nov. 8 election!
Let’s cut to the chase: this postcard is a cry for help. In what other circumstance would I spend hours drinking bourbon and scrawling messages in Barney-purple ink to complete strangers halfway across the U.S.? Yeah, it’s a real shitshow. Only you can stop the madness on Tues. Nov 8!
Yes, me again: older you. Jaded you. I feel the need to return to your line on my spreadsheet and find solace in your first-time-voterness. Thank you for trusting that your voice can make a difference, for that spark of defiance in your eye, the youthful glow of optimism on your brow, the fervor of patriotism (our kind, not that Stars-n-Bars bullshit) in your veins. Rock on, sister! Here’s to you *raises glass* and one more postcard!
Thank you for being a bad-ass voter. Now’s the time, and here’s the plan:
Let’s git’ er dun!!!
Oh My. My cat is named Tara but please don’t send her Postcards. I like the fact you are encouraging people to vote without telling them who to vote for.
I mean, thanks, I’m glad you liked it!
(Ha, I probably shouldn’t even be laughing, right–given that I’m a candidate and all!) Thanks for this hilarious post!
😮 Well, thanks for reading, and good luck!
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Too funny! I love this post!