To: The New York City Sanitation Department <firstname.lastname@example.org>
From: Rodents Aging Well <email@example.com>
Subject: We Need Our Early Bird Special!
Hello, I’m the Committee Chair of the age-positive organization that represents hundreds of thousands of rats over the age of one year.
We are a group of robust, active, elder rodent voting New Yorkers. On behalf of our community, I have a simple request. DO NOT OUTLAW OUR EARLY BIRD SPECIAL! In other words, let the humans take out their garbage at 4PM, not 6PM. Many low-income rats rely on the 4-6PM dinner slot for their evening meal and are unable to attend the 7PM seating because “Jeopardy! Rodent Edition” is on at apartment 3C at 95 8th Avenue where many of us reside. And before you suggest we eat our suppers at 3:30, please note that water aerobics is taking place in the Washington Square Park fountain until 3:55. Which is why the 4-6PM dinner rush is important to us–we have all worked up our appetites doing the doggy paddle and need some week-old potato salad to regain our energy.
Yes, the young ones may like carousing til midnight, but we’re comfortably in our cozy nests by 8, lights out by 9. Just because we’re “old” doesn’t mean we’re not resourceful. For a quick bite, there’s always public trash bins with enough half-eaten bagels to keep us going for weeks. But, we deserve nourishing full meals in the comfort of a curbside trash bag.
(We’re the ones who invented dumpster diving, by the way.) Can’t you just let us live our golden years in peace?
While I do not have “personhood” to sue you, rest assured: if our needs fail to be met, you won’t need to wonder where the Bubonic Plague of 2023 came from.
Union Square Subway Station