Indulge Your Almond Mom This Holiday Season

Are you a daughter who spent your childhood reading Baby-Sitters Club books in the back of your mother’s Weight Watchers meetings? Who always had that Leslie Lilien ‘Do It’ song from the Jane Fonda’s New Workout VHS stuck in your head? Whose mother read those pocket calorie counters to you for your bedtime stories?

If you answered yes to these questions, then you, just like supermodels Gigi and Bella Hadid, whose Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Mom Yolanda  advises slowly chewing almonds when one feels shaky from starvation, have an Almond Mom!

The etymology of the Almond Mom label began with Tik-Tok and Self magazine, but the insane American diet culture it encapsulates to has been passed down through generations of hungry women.  And this holiday season, rather than rolling your eyes every time Mom declares that she “ate way too much” after having a salad with regular dressing instead of her usual squeeze of lemon on Christmas Eve, indulge her disordered eating with our Holiday Guide below.

Semi-Homemade Advent Calendar
Buy a regular advent calendar and take out all of the chocolates. Replace them with diuretic pills and diet trope fortune cookie messages such as “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” and “A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.”

‘Tis the Season Tummy Fillers
Stuff mini ziplock bags with cotton balls and red and green tissue paper for Mom to store in her purse as calorie-free ‘treat’ to ward off the hunger at holiday parties.

Doctor Shopping Stocking Stuffer
Skip the hassle of the mall and do some doctor shopping instead! Call around to the providers in Mom’s insurance directory and remember to ask for Ozepmic, the hottest new off-label weight loss drug that Kim Kardashian supposedly used to fit into that Marilyn Monroe gown at this year’s Met Gala. Slip the doctor’s name, address, phone number, and Mom’s appointment time into her stocking on Christmas Eve.

Santa’s Sauna Suit
Speaking of Kim and that Marilyn dress, forget about the matching reindeer pajamas this year and buy some Sauna Suits for the whole family. Add some red felt and fur trim and use them for the annual Christmas Day morning jog that Mom insists on each year before anyone opens their presents! Bonus if you get Mom a trick scale that displays a weight five pounds lighter than reality, so Mom feels extra-euphoric when she weights herself immediately after the workout.

Fat-Shaming Family Movie Night
Curl up by the fire with some classic weight loss cinema that lets Mom feel superior to the on-screen chunky monkeys! 

Stream ‘Fatso’ with Dom DeLuise. Pause after the scene when DeLuise looks at the picture of his deceased mother and declares  “How you loved to feed me! Look at your chubby baby now, ma, I’m a fat, fat man, a damn fatso. I can’t stop the fat!” to thank your mother for all the times she microwaved you a Lean Cuisine and served it with celery sticks for supper and then made you play on the backyard trampoline for an hour to burn it all off before bedtime.

Next up: ‘Fried Green Tomatoes’ with Kathy Bates. Nod along when Mom declares her superiority over poor Evelyn Couch eating all those candy bars and reply “I know, right?” in an incredibly agreeable tone when Mom inevitably comments that Evelyn “didn’t even look that great” even after she started exercising and became a successful Mary Kay saleswoman.

Scandinavian Cracker Cookie Tin
Don’t even bother with presenting Mom with the Santa-shaped sugar cookies you made with your own kids that she’ll just toss down the garbage disposal. Instead, bake up a batch of 18-calories-a-piece fiber crispbreads and store them in one of those nostalgic old-school butter cookie tins so Mom can indulge in the idea of a sugar-laden carb, perhaps with a shot glass of fat-free eggnog on the side.

Life-Size Skeleton Ornament Display
If Mom finds an actual Christmas tree ‘too bulky,’ just buy a Life-Size Skeleton, wrap white lights around it, and hang some skinny snowman and Santa ornaments off its ribs. After the holidays, remove the decorations and place it alongside the full-length mirror in Mom’s bedroom, so she can compare herself to it as she gets dressed in the new year.

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