A Guide to Coping with Your Low Self-Esteem By Shattering Your Friends’ Psyches
Do you have a little voice inside your head telling you you’re not good enough? When your boss gave you “constructive” criticism did you tell yourself you were a loser who didn’t deserve nice things and you’re bad at your job and that’s why everyone hates you and Johnny dumped you in eighth grade and your dog is giving you the stink eye and even puppies hate you?
And when that guy from Hinge sent you a detailed breakup text after two dates, did you turn it on yourself, even though you didn’t like him either and it kind of seemed like he had no friends and smelled like French onion soup? Did you think, “I guess I’m just an unloveable monster even though I don’t smell like soup? And apparently, loveability is about way more than soup?”
And when your four-person friend group went out as a threesome without you did you wonder if you’re a terrible person and that time you laughed too loudly at the movie theater is finally catching up with you and they realized you’re the expendable group member? And that they probably have a group chat without you where they just talk about the dumb things you do and say and they all think you’re a bad dog mom? Do you smell like soup, too?
It’s time to shut down the negative self-talk and make other people feel like shit instead.
The next time your boss tells you to include more quantitative data over qualitative data in your report, say, “I disagree, and just because your wife uses a vibrator because you’re bad in bed doesn’t mean you need to take it out on me. Also, everyone can tell you have a third nipple, but nice try with the double-breasted blazer.”
Not only will this make him feel terrible about himself, but it will also mean you may not have to redo the report since he’ll be crying in the bathroom and forgetting about the assignment.
And reach back out to the guy from Hinge who smells like soup and goddamnit, tell him so! A simple, “It’s cool. You smell like soup and have no friends” will do. It won’t make you feel any better, but it will make him feel like an idiot and be self-conscious about the soup thing for the rest of his life. In his next relationship, he will probably self-sabotage because he’ll constantly be asking his girlfriend if he smells like soup and she’ll get tired of reassuring him and will also be thinking, yeah, he does kind of smell like soup, and that’s weird.
When your so-called friends go out without you again, remind them that they are responsible for xenophobia and misogyny because they didn’t attend the Women’s March because they were hungover, even though they had already made pink glitter signs with little drawings of scared uteruses, and now Roe v. Wade was overturned. They could have done their part, but because they’re bad people, democracy lost.
When your therapist instructs you to identify your self-destructive thought patterns, inform them that they are bad at their job and wasted thousands of dollars in student loans on their PhD to give really bad advice.
For good measure, tell them that the psychic on the boardwalk in Atlantic City gave you better advice than Dr. Ivy League Degree does, and she only cost you $5.25 plus tax.
CBT? More like CBTurd. You have found a better method: being a venomous little shit to the other people in your life.