Ivanka Trump’s New Years Resolutions

  1. Visit a foreign place I’ve never been, like a laundromat or a bus stop. 
  2. Donate clothes I never wear—to needy, statuesque women.
  3. Do something that scares me, like brunch with Melania, or blowing my nose with an “eco-friendly” tissue.
  4. Volunteer.  Or, at least, support those who do with an inspirational tweet, like: “The way in which you carry yourself, even when volunteering at a soup kitchen, matters.  Just because someone is destitute doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate poise and grace.  Ladle with élan.”
  5. Every night, write down one thing I’m grateful for, like: “I’m taller than Lauren Bush Lauren,” or “I’m not Kimberly Guilfoyle.”
  6. Do random acts of kindness, scheduled by publicist. 
  7. Don’t buy things I don’t need… except for Tata Harper Hydrating Floral Essence, which is an indispensable pore minimizer and makeup remover, so I totally need it, so maybe I won’t buy Giorgio Armani’s Maestro Fusion Foundation, which I also completely need because of its lightweight, unparalleled matte finish.  So, um, okay, I promise I won’t buy a Juicy Couture velour hoodie, which is definitely something I don’t need because it’s cheap and hideous.  But I can buy one for Tiffany, right? 
  8. Give at least one compliment to someone each and every day, while looking in a mirror.
  9. Stop gossiping—before noon.  
  10. Find a true passion, rather than always focusing on my appearance, although I’m truly passionate about my appearance, so… I’ll come back to this one.
  11. Stay in touch with people who really matter to me, like my stylist, Caitlin Williams, and the maître d’ at Café Boulud.
  12. Buy less plastic—and try to look less like plastic.
  13. Remove negativity from my life or anything that makes me anxious, like subpoenas, the word “penultimate,” Eric, and that portrait of Jared’s mother, Seryl Kushner: the eyes seem to follow me, then roll upwards.
  14. Finally accept that Jared has gone through puberty and this is it.

3 comments

  1. Michael.
    I continue to enjoy and chuckle at your writings and wry wit!
    I continue to wait patiently for your full length play. Keep at it!

    Like

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