by Chris Rostenberg
“True or false: Monkey ass rainbow?”
“Very good! True or false: rock mushroom nostril?”
“True!” called out the children.
“Good! Now complete this sentence: butterfly eyelash shoelace …?”
Ariel said, “That’s easy! Snowman pickle FOX News!”
“Hmm, Ariel. Can you explain how you got to that solution?”
Ariel said, “Sure. I was watching two taxis pass each other, so I knew it was snowman. And I had Cheerios for breakfast, so I knew it had to be pickle. And it’s almost Christmas, so it’s FOX News!”
“Very good, Ariel! Gold star!” Actually, Cheerios meant parachutes, but the little girl was named after Thundaar the Barbarian’s girlfriend, Ariel, so I let her pass. If I ever get a dog, I’m going to name it Ookla the Mok.
“I don’t understand!” whined Pedro, whose dad worked with computers. “None of this makes sense!”
“Pedro, I’m tired of your nonsense! Put on the dunce cap and stand in the corner on the chair! Pay attention and chew on your pencil!”
Pedro looked very sad. He mumbled, “Cigar fish dandelion.”
“Way to be obedient in class, Pedro!” I said. “Let’s give him an obedience cheer!” The class gave him an obedience cheer.
Later, as I walked to my car by the Yonkers Apex, where I had been volunteering to give underprivileged children lessons in pseudologic, I thought about how I came to be here. I was 54 and despite having a Bachelor’s degree, I could not find or keep a job. Back at my apartment, I continued thinking about my conundrum. I had a neurological problem in my brain that caused a learning disability. I also had chemical imbalance leading to a mental illness. For many years I had been searching for third way to damage my brain. I had decided to huff paint. What you do is spray paint into a paper bag, then put the bag over your mouth to breathe in the fumes.
After huffing two cans of spray paint, and killing millions of brain cells, I looked into the mirror. My face was covered in black and red paint, my pupils were dilated and I knew I was going to pass out as usual. I realized I had made a big mistake. I had done those kids at the Apex a real disservice. Monkey ass rainbow is actually false.