Have you tried a glass of warm milk right before bed? I’ve been doing that since college, and I always get a solid 8-8.5 hours of sleep. 

Doesn’t turkey have something that makes you tired? Why don’t you try eating a turkey at 9 pm? 

What about some nice classical music to lull you to sleep? As you know, I’ve been playing the viola since I was nine. Want to come to my string quartet’s performance two Saturdays from today? It’s at 2 pm and admission is $62.50. We take Apple Pay, no worries!

Isn’t there something about counting sheep? My uncle owns a farm, so maybe you could hop over to Cumberland, Rhode Island, and find some sheep to count. Well, it’s not a farm, perse. More like a garden. On his window sill. Actually, it’s a basil plant. Does it work the same way with counting fruit flies?

I once took 2 mg of melatonin as soon as I got to Australia, after sleeping like a baby angel on the plane, and I was out cold. I didn’t miss a thing because my jet lag was zapped like *that.* The kangaroos were so cute!

Maybe you’re having sleep problems because you’re single. When Steve and I cuddle, it’s like being swaddled in a warm cocoon of adoration. I can hardly keep my eyes open because it’s so peaceful. One time, when we were tenderly making love, he brushed a strand of my bangs away from my face and it was such a loving gesture that I fell asleep with Sweet Henry inside me. Oh, Sweet Henry is what we call his penis. Sorry, what were we talking about? Oh, anyway, have you heard of Match.com?

Sometimes, when I’m really upset, like when Steve waits until after his 30-minute meeting to reply to my text with , I find that crying it out actually makes me sleep better! Like I get 8.75 hours instead of my usual 8-8.5. Maybe you could try getting really upset right before bedtime. It shouldn’t be too hard. Just think about how you’re on your way to dying alone.

I hear Ambien does wonders! One time, my cousin took it and ate an entire box of Entenmann’s chocolate frosted donuts, box and all. Then she had to have her stomach pumped because, you know, you’re not really supposed to eat cardboard or plastic. She also slept great — she didn’t remember anything from that night because she was out cold! She only knew it happened after she got the $3,687 hospital bill. Anyway, that might be something to try because you don’t keep Entenmann’s donuts in the house.