Jesus is your buddy, Jesus is your friend.
Jesus ignores all the prayers you incessantly send. 
Jesus in a portrait, Jesus on your wall,
Jesus is really big and you? You, you’re really small.

Jesus in the mailbox, Jesus on the porch,
Jesus coming down your chimney with his Jesus torch.
Jesus late at night with your sister, you can hear it.
Used to call it gossip now it’s called the Holy Spirit.

Jesus in the neighborhood, Jesus on the street. 
Jesus wearing imported sandals on his Jesus feet.
Jesus in your coffee, Jesus on your toast,
eating brunch with that other Jesus they call the Holy Ghost.

My grandma had a Jesus, kept him on a cross.
Would smack your sinner’s head yeah, she was a Jesus boss.
Jesus saving Muslims, Jesus saving Jews,
Jesus in your Buddhist soul saying you gotta’ choose.

Jesus at my Catholic school, Jesus with the nuns. 
Jesus passing out habits to cover breasts and buns. 
Jesus in the politics, in the scandal noise,
I wish that Jesus had been there to save those altar boys. 

Been looking for Jesus everywhere, just can’t seem to find him.
Hey, look there behind Martin Luther, he’s standing right behind him. 
My cousin found Jesus in the middle of her street. 
She wants to be like Mary Magdalene, and wash his Jesus feet.

Jesus loves our country, let’s put him on the flag.
Jesus never crossed a border or dressed himself in drag. 
Jesus in your baloney, Jesus in your spam,
If you pray hard enough Jesus will turn it into ham. 

Jesus was born with sheep, I think he had a goat.
Today Jesus can get you a dreamhouse or a giant motorboat.
Jesus on the TV with that preacher dude.
Jesus won’t fill your soul ‘til you change that attitude. 

Jesus looks like Clapton, or maybe like Ted Neeley.
He’ll give you lots of hugs, sure, he’s really touch-feely. 
And Jesus is a white guy, probably had blonde curls.
Never had a wife and no he never touched the girls.

Jesus on your dashboard, Jesus in your car.
Even Judas sang along in JC Superstar.
Old testament Jesus, or do you read the new? 
Funny how he’s now a Christian when he started out a Jew.

I hope that Jesus finds me and adds me to his list.
Then I can wear a Jesus bracelet on my Jesus wrist. 
Hell is where you make it, yeah, we know that’s nothing new. 
And I’ll just keep on asking, “Well, what would Jesus do?”