A Socially Progressive Pitch To Peloton From A Chunky, Middle-Aged High School English Teacher

Peloton should hire perimenopausal teachers to lead their grueling cycling classes. Surely everyone can appreciate the significant motivational skills these individuals have amassed over decades of teaching—not to mention orchestrating online pandemic courses to stoned and pajama-clad kids hiding behind blank screens. This company, whose very tagline is, “Motivation that Moves you!,” should celebrate the collective’s Sisyphean work of motivating the least goal-oriented creatures this planet may ever know: teenagers.  Forced to ingest humdrum and often culturally ignorant information six and a half hours a day in order to pass minutely-detailed multiple choice tests and write equally boring essays (all while anxious about their underage nudes circulating the ether), teenagers surpass all other levels of skepticism and laziness. And while there is no section on a contemporary resume template for “Impossible Feats Performed for Less than an Average $20 an hour,” there certainly should be for educators. Peloton should literally chase these literate, jelly-bellied superhumans in order to up the ante for the 2023 Year of Fitness. 

First and foremost, there is not a human alive who more acutely understands the degradation of fighting hormones and genetics than one who must ignore dozens of adolescent snickers while rationing ever-wavering school wifi (aka porn) wearing a shrunken Old Navy t-shirt dress. No one else could push through myriad incorrect theme statements or puritanical names for reproductive organs in middle-camouflaging cardigans quite like that 45-year-old teacher limping toward retirement.  Perimenopausal teachers not only empathize with the average Peloton user and their physical insecurities, but can also offer real-world anecdotes from the classroom, like what to do when a coworker brings a dozen donuts before a holiday break, or how one should respond to a gift of homemade fudge from a freshman with concerning hygiene habits. A teacher’s ability to uplift, selflessly guide and, yes, endure without saying “Fuck!” aloud every ten minutes should be on a Strengthsfinder test!  

Second, Peloton has a unique opportunity today; time is of the essence!  Given the current 13.5% national mass-exodus of veteran teachers, top cycling execs could build a troop of superbly supportive, health aiding-and-abetting magicians without even having to offer maternity leave. (This is both because only three states and the District of Columbia offer paid parental leave and because few perimenopausal teachers would choose to give up sleep for sex). Just imagine logging on to a virtual cycle class to see a woman (sans a professional make-up job) wearing their gray-highlighted hair in a 1990’s scrunchie and sporting the exact same tummy-control bike shorts and sweat-stained tee from Marshall’s as you! Think of the confidence boost it would be to be told that, yes, the warm-up is going to SUCK, but if she can do it in her elastic-challenged uniboob bra from that college gym class, you can best the humid-i-titties and swamp crotch, too! Moreover, remember Geometry? This hill is nothing compared to proofs! 

Finally, Peloton could hire each inspirational educator for less than the price of one compact electric vehicle a year! The average teacher makes just $65,000 annually, but they are masters in creating grand lessons from leftover office supplies. This miniscule figure pales in comparison to the six-figure salaries those younger, hotter Peloton models can demand. In addition, there is not a single teacher alive who has ever not worked free overtime. Middle-aged teachers have learned how to stave off all bodily functions for hours at a time, never eating, drinking or peeing on the clock. Peloton could save enough in unpaid lunch breaks, alone, to fortify a new apparel line! 

Forty-ish high school teachers have tried-and-true philanthropic passion. Not only can they creatively engage resistant students in a subject much of the human population eschews (fitness), but they can also actively listen to class concerns, adapt and problem solve. Teachers are used to researching what makes their students tick; they are eloquent speakers and multi-tasking geniuses who can offer humorous discourse while integrating SAT-prep vocabulary we can all use to support our professional goals. Perimenopausal bodies force educators to prioritize and organize the Road Not (Really) Taken to magnify feelings of connectedness and belonging. Finally, Peloton could not find any other instructors with comparable track records of perseverance than thick-bodied, perimenopausal high school teachers of the aughts. Peloton: To plagiarize another fitness company, Just do it! 

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