Hi…Julie? Cupid! Yep, I’m coming in for a hug, I’m a hugger! Oooo, a nice firm thigh you got there. You probably saw on my profile that skin-to-skin contact is what I’m looking for in a relationship, but you can keep your clothes on for now, we’ll see where the night takes us! Ha! Thanks for meeting me here at this axe-throwing bar. I’m more of a bow and arrow baby myself, but it’s fun to try new things, you know? It’s been a longggggg time since I’ve been on a Hinge date, but I thought I’d jump back into the blood bath! Speaking of, I just had a bath, and my ma forgot to put some cancer-causing baby powder on, and let me tell you, my ass hole is on fire. Oops…probably too much for a first date, blah!

So, am I what you expected in person, or were you expecting a guy built like a Roman god to walk through the door? I know I don’t have any full-body pics on my profile. Or any solo pics. Regardless, I was really flattered when you first commented on my picture of me and my Uncle Hercules about how “cute” I was. I responded “not my kid,” but I didn’t lie! I am the kid in the photo. 

What do I do? I’m actually a VP of a startup. Yeah, it’s called OkCupid, you might have heard of it. You’re probably wondering why I’m on a Hinge date right now then. Well, one, I like to do a little on-the-ground market research, but I also wanted to meet people and fall in love in a situation where I have no jurisdiction. Not that I’m controlling! A lot of people just assume that everyone I want to date, I just shoot with my arrow. But that would be too easy, right? Even if I did want to be shot, there’s not another Cupid, you know? If I was to shoot myself with an arrow, wouldn’t that be self-mutilation? Haha! Let me ask, when’s the last time someone’s brought up self-mutilation in a joking context on a first date? Bartender, two milks please, no ice!

So what do you do for a–oh my god. You see that guy over there? I shot him a couple years back. Huh, and it looks like he’s with the same girl! Here’s a success story right before your eyes, but does Cupid ever get a thank you note? No. Does Cupid ever get invited to the wedding, the baby shower, the bar mitzvah? No. To be fair, with all the child-free weddings nowadays, I try to not take it personally anymore. But I have half a mind to go over there and ask for my arrow back. People never return them! Never! I used to use disposable arrows, but with climate change and all, I decided to go green around 2018 or so. Yeah, it was kind of like my plastic straw moment. But I’ll tell you, it’s a pain in my diaper to go hunt all the arrows down. 

Huh, this is so weird. I haven’t made a single bullseye so far. Sure, maybe I’ve had one too many milks from the bar tonight, but poor me is off my game tonight. You know, I had this in my profile but I do a bit of freelancing shooting arrows, you read that right? My aim is known to be pretty, pretty good and I was the captain of the archery team in the mythological daycare. So, maybe you can help this little guy throw an axe. Teach this baby a thing or two huh? This isn’t some sly pick-up trick to get your hands wrapped around my diaper or anything. Just need you to teach the most famous, most accurate baby with the best aim in history how to throw an axe. 

I gotta give props to you, you’ve made me feel so comfortable on this date. And I pooped my diaper half an hour ago and I’ve only cried twice so far tonight! You know, I was in a bad place before I asked you out here. I know, hard to imagine an angel like me doing that. I’d be getting thrown out of milk bars after spitting up all over Olympus and having huge diaper blowouts in the bathroom. Yeah, I’ve destroyed one too many changing tables in my day. But despite me still breastfeeding — oh god. Did I just say that out loud? Shit, shit, shit. That’s not what I meant. Well it is what I meant. Oh my god, pardon my drool. Come on, I’m a baby. I’m 108,000 months old! Would I not be a Roman god if I didn’t have a weird relationship with at least one of my parents? God, even the therapist told me I’m an oversharer. 

So, tonight’s been a lot of fun, even if it is past my bedtime. Why don’t we take this back to my crib? You can ride on my angel wings. Oh you have work tomorrow? Yeah no, it’s totally fine. I’m not crying. I just got some milk in my eye. Just a market research question that I can take back to the OkCupid board room, are you rejecting me because I’m a baby, or because I believe in Roman gods? Because I can change!