by Susan S. Levine

                                                                         

Thank you for calling Comizon-Vericast. We are currently helping other customers, but your satisfaction is important to us. Your hold time will be approximately three minutes.

[Seventeen-minute Muzak]

[Four-minute static]

Thank you for calling Comizon-Vericast. Your satisfaction is important to us. At the end of this call, we’d like to ask you to respond to a brief surgery—sorry, that’s “survey.” Please say, one for “Yes,” two for “Maybe,” or three for “No.” If you choose “three,” you will be telling us to fuck off,  but of course this will not affect the quality of service you receive.

Three.

We recognize the number you are calling from as associated with an account. Please enter your account number now.

6#70055¥LU1046&XXX €390022567894438862898*”#5&CN1780943.

You entered 6#70055¥LU1046&XXX €390022567894438862898*”#5&CN1780943. Is that correct?

Yes.

I’m sorry, there is no account with that number. Please enter that again.

Oh, three, three, three, three!

I’m sorry, there is no account by that number. Please try again.

6#70055¥LU1046&XXX €390022567894438862898*”#5&CN1780946.

You entered 6#70055¥LU1046&XXX €390022567894438862890*”#5&CN1780948. Is that correct?

Yes.

One moment please. Thank you. I’ll need to verify your account now—

Stop saying “I” You don’t have an “I”—you’re not a person! 

I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. I’ll need to verify your account now. Kindly provide me with the name of your mother’s kindergarten teacher.

What? I have no idea. Three! How do you even know that?

Or you could provide me with your father’s waist size at age eighteen.

Three! Three!

That is correct. One moment while I connect you with a Technical Support Consultant.

[Static)] Good [mumble]. My [mumble] is Sp[mumble] [static]. To whom do I have the pleasure of [mumble]?

Dr. Sandra Krasnapol.

Good [mumble], Miss Sandi. How may I [mumble] today?

I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.

I apologize [mumble]. My name [mumble] Spock.

Really? Like Mr. Spock?

Ah, yes, ma’am. I am his great-great-[mumble] [mumble] grandfather.

What? Are you insane? Where are you?

[Static] On the [mumble] Vulcan. I apologize, ma’am, if our wormhole is [mumble]. [mumble] I help you?

Well, Mr. Spock, I need to replace the Comizon-Vericast modem with my own.

I [mumble], Miss Sandi. You’d like to replace [mumble]. I can [mumble] you with that. But before we [mumble], I should warn you that if you do this, Miss Sandi, it will reduce your monthly bill by the amount of [mumble].

[Barely under her breath] Oh, my God! [Loudly] Yes, Mr. Spock, I understand.

Thank you, Miss Sandi. Do you have your equipment with you?

Now, why on earth would I have it with me?

I [mumble], Miss Sandi. We won’t be able—

Of course I have it with me! Why else would—oh, never mind. What do I do first?

Thank you, Miss Sandi. I will need to know the brand and model number of your new [mumble].

Yes, it’s a Notgear, model FU3333.

Thank you, Miss Sandi. You said [mumble], Model FU333 [mumble]. Is that correct?

Yes!

Thank you, Miss Sandi. I’ll be happy to help you install your Notgear FU [mumble].

How dare you speak to me that way!

I beg your pardon, Miss Sandi?

Never mind. Go ahead.

Thank you, Miss Sandi. I will need to put you on a brief hold while I confirm technical specifications. Please hold. 

[Seven-minute static]

Three! Three! Three!

Thank you for your patience, Miss [mumble].

But, but. . . three!

[Nineteen-minute static]

Miss Sandi, are you still there?

Yes! But—

Thank you for your patience, Miss Sandi, I have succeeded in disabling the Comizon-Vericast modem. You may now unscrew the cable [mumble] and connect your new Notgear Model FU333. Are you prepared to begin screwing?

Umm . . . umm . . . 

Miss Sandi, I will be happy to instruct you in the coupling and decouplingof the [mumble].

No, no, that’s fine. It’s done. The Notgear is all hooked up.

Oh, excellent, Miss Sandi! Now, do you have internet? 

Umm . . . umm, yes. . . .  Umm . . . no. No! It’s flashing “FU3333 INCOMPATIBLE WITH THIS NETWORK!” THREE! THREE!  Your website said that this was the recommended model!

Why, yes it is, Miss Sandi. But Miss Sandi, please know that the wormhole narrows when voices are too loud, so kindly bear this in mind. The FU333 is indeed our [mumble].

Wait, wait—did you say 3333? Or 333?

Why, that should be three threes, Miss Sandi. I [mumble]—

Three! Three to all of Comizon-Vericast! I have the model 3333!

Oh, my apologies, Miss Sandi. I thought you were saying “333”  and then “three.”

THREE! How—

[Mumble][mumble] can I [mumble]. And that is all you will need [mumble].

Wait—I didn’t understand! WAIT!!

Oh, oh, Miss [mumble], the wormhole is [mumble][mumble].

[Static]

THREE!!!!!!!!