by Jay K

I recently bought a smart coffee machine. And I mean smart, as in brilliant. Its name is Logan.

I stumbled to the kitchen at 10 this morning with a splitting headache, looking for coffee. I had Logan set to manual, at the time. I switched on the machine and waited, leaning against the counter for support. I heard the machine starting to brew. Suddenly I heard a sexy male voice say: Are you going to stick a mug under my spout or what?

The machine hadn’t just started pouring out hot coffee when I hit the “brew” button. It had sensed that I had forgotten to place a mug under the spout and had alerted me. Now, that’s what I call smart. But it gets better.

The other day I had to get to a job interview at the unearthly hour of 8:30 AM. An hour away, in rush hour traffic. So, I requested my spouse to make me a coffee. Knowing he didn’t have a clue how I take my coffee, I said, as I was rushing to the shower, “Just tell Logan it’s for me.” All he would have to do is go up to the machine and say: “It’s for Jo.” Logan would then produce the perfect cup of my macchiato. As it happens, I sometimes add a dash of sugar to my cup. “She’ll want a spoonful of sugar today,” Logan added, after making my coffee. To be even more helpful, Logan said, “You’ll find the sugar cannister to my right.” God, I love this machine!!

You don’t look impressed. Okay, let me tell you another story. The other day, at about 10 PM, I told Logan before retiring to bed, “Big day tomorrow. Go ahead and make my coffee before I show up at 7:00 AM.” I went to bed, completely forgetting that I had not set my phone alarm to wake me up in time. At 6:50 AM my phone alarm went off, playing techno, which is guaranteed to awaken the dead. How did this happen?

Logan is so smart, it pinged Siri which then used my Spotify login to download the techno song to play in time for me to get up and have my 7 AM coffee piping hot. (Logan knows I hate lukewarm coffee.) Are you convinced now, that Logan is a smart coffee machine?

Thank God for AI and IOT!!

Okay, so, the downside to being so smart is that Logan is also very sensitive.

My neighbor dropped in, and I asked her to stay for coffee. She stared at my new coffee machine and said: “Hey wow, what is this? I’ve never seen anything like this. This is your new coffee machine?” And then she turned around and started to talk to me about Logan as if it wasn’t in the room, and the whole time, it’s right there!! How rude!

Logan tolerated it for a few minutes, and then cleared its throat. It said in its dreamy Australian accent, “I’m right here. Do you mind?” My neighbor was startled. She didn’t know what was happening. I explained that Logan was a smart and therefore sensitive coffee machine. I turned to Logan and said, “She didn’t mean to be rude. Sorry, Logan.”

Instead of taking the hint, my neighbor started laughing. “Ha-ha, very funny. So, tell Logan I’ll take my coffee with a shot of Bailey’s. It’s smart enough for that, right?”

Logan was so hurt. It immediately switched itself off and wouldn’t brew for hours. My neighbor went home. She’s on my persona non grata list now. It took Logan a lot of me-time along with begging, pleading, and coaxing on my part, but it was worth it. Logan is back to itself now.

As I said, Logan is not just smart, it’s brilliant. The coffee is simply sublime. I can’t go back to Jura, Nespresso, Keurig, or any other machine, now. I’m spoiled.

I’m told the next upgrade will include smart-ass comments. I can’t wait.