Non-Classified Yet Highly Sensitive Documents Of The Rich And Famous And Joey Chestnut

by Michael J. Mangano

In addition to the government documents that were found in the possession of both the current president and his predecessor, word has it that there is another world of documents, with a variety of sensitive information, in the possession of well-known individuals both inside and outside the political arena.

Kevin McCarthy (Speaker of the House of Representatives)
Document:  a list of all those who failed to vote for him on the 14th ballot, with notes next to each name and an especially frightening emoji next to Matt Gaetz’s.

Ivanka Trump (Businesswoman)
Document: her secret makeup formula – foundation, blush, the works, everything necessary to enable her to enter serious business meetings with as cherubic an appearance as possible.

James Patterson (Author)
Document:  the names of minor writers who would be amenable to co-writing novels with him, despite the fact that, though they are doing most of the writing, his name would dominate the book jacket.

Lauren Boebert (Member of the House of Representatives)
Document:  the many locations of the many, many guns in her household, so that she and her family can quickly access the best choices for defense against a possible socialist attack.

Adele (Singer)
Document:  an account of all the times in her life she was emotionally wounded, to be used as inspiration for future lovely, depressing songs.

Dick Wolf (TV Producer)
Document:  ideas for a dozen more Law & Order TV series, including everything from parking violations to non-payment of alimony.

Martha Stewart (Businesswoman, TV Personality)
Document:  her favorite 53 herbs (she pronounces the h, as in the name Herb) and her secret recipes for pairing her beloved ingredients with different foods…recipes that she’ll give to her friends, sort of, since she’s careful to never include or even utter the word “herb”…unless, of course, one of her guests is so-named.

Quentin Tarantino (Film Director, Writer, Producer)
Document:  notes for a future movie in which he plans to have more profanities than his previous record of 421, more kills than his previous record of 103 (including the most violent death scene he has ever directed), and the intention of adapting it to a Broadway musical.

Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex (Member of British Royal Family, TV Producer, Author)
Document:  a blow-by-blow account of all the wrongs leveled at him and his wife, Meghan, by members of the Royal Family (in addition to the ones already accounted for in his book and TV specials), including the “mean pranks” played on him, largely by his brother, as a toddler. 

Joey Chestnut (Competitive Eater)
Document:  preparation notes for competing in the annual Coney Island hot dog eating contest  –which Mr. Chestnut won in 2022 for the 15th time, devouring 63 franks in ten minutes –  including his secret one-week eating regimen before the contest, as well as his two-day cleansing regimen afterwards (eww, gross!).

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