The Latest And Greatest Emotional Support Animal Questionnaire

Emotional Support Animal. Psychiatric Service Dog. Yes, it’s the same thing. If your application is approved, it means you can take your dog (or other dog-like creature) with you anywhere, anytime.
If that sounds appealing, we’ve got you covered. We just need you to fill out this simple application to prove you’re a crazy dog person. Let’s dive in.

  1. Do you love your dog?
  2. Do you have $5,000.00
  3. What state do you live in?
  4. Do you need this ESA letter in one hour? Ten minutes? five minutes ago?
  5. Over the past two weeks, how often have you felt sad or depressed?
  6. Are you sad right now?
  7. Do you have $2,000?
  8. Over the past two weeks, have you felt lethargic or anti-social?
  9. Are you currently wearing sweatpants?
  10. Have you been wearing those sweatpants for three or more days?
  11. Come on now, it’s just me, your faceless internet therapist for the next five minutes. How long have you been wearing those sweatpants?
  12. Do you have $1,000?
  13. Did you lie to your cousin and say you were exposed to COVID so that you could avoid her baby shower and stay home and watch Hulu with your dog?
  14. Would you have at least considered going to the baby shower if you could have brought your dog?
  15. Would you have gone to the baby shower if you could have brought your dog and left after thirty minutes?
  16. Would you have gone to the baby shower if you could have brought your dog and left after 20 minutes with a gift bag filled with kettle corn?
  17. Do you have $999.00?
  18.  How many different hoodies does your dog own?
  19.  Do you and your dog have matching hoodies?
  20.  Did you know SparkPaws our sponsor, carries matching hoodies for human and dog couples?
  21.  Do you have a gourmet dog food subscription from one of our other sponsors, such as Farmer’s Dog, Ollie, or three Michelin Star Chef Ruff’s Rabbit Dinners?
  22.  Do you frequently watch youtube videos with titles such as “How do I know if my dog loves me?” “Is my dog mad at me because I left him to take out the garbage?” “What can I do to get back in my dog’s good graces after I left him for 30 seconds to take out the garbage?”
  23. Do you have $800?
  24. Is your left eye twitching?
  25.  Is your right eye twitching?
  26.  Are you still wearing those sweatpants?
  27. Do you have $700?
  28. For a typical treat, do you provide your dog with a) a milk bone b) a bully stick c) a lamb chop that you have been marinating for the last four hours? It was supposed to be a special dinner for your spouse’s promotion, but who are we kidding? We always knew Snuffles was gonna get it.
  29.  Is your dog’s mattress a higher quality memory foam than your own?
  30. Even though your dog was rescued from the streets where he was found eating a child’s diaper, is he now on an organic gluten-free diet just like his mama?
  31.  Do you have $200?
  32.  How about $149?
  33.  Is it possible that you’ve run out of money and defaulted on your credit cards because you bought so much fancy crap for your dog?
  34. Do you have Apple pay?
  35.  But, don’t you want to travel with your dog?
  36.  Don’t you want to be able to go anywhere with your dog?
  37.  OK. Final Offer, $124.99!
  38.  OK, just open your wallet and let me see what you got. Yes, I can see you.

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