Therapy, shmerapy! Have you tried consumerism?

Hot take: Life makes my tummy hurt.

As I trudge along this wretched hellscape in search of purpose, a dark cloud of depression lingers overhead. Rather than succumb to the darkness, I choose to fight back. My weapon of choice? Compulsive online shopping!

Though short-lived, the highs of compulsive online shopping are spectacularly addicting. The anticipated delivery of each purchased item gives me a reason to stick around. And before I have time to regret my last investment, I’ve already surrendered my PayPal information to the next lucky retailer.

I know what you’re thinking: Why waste money on material possessions when you could invest in therapy? Allow me to answer your inquiry with a question of my own.

Can therapy buy me a vintage Pizza Hut delivery jacket?

I didn’t think so.

Should pizza delivery jackets be sexy?

It’s a question that’s divided scholars for centuries. Since the early aughts, American pizza chains embraced a conservative approach when designing their uniforms. These drab garments are quite the libido-killing eyesore. But back in the 80s, Pizza Hut chose a different path.

I stumbled across this vintage motorbike delivery jacket while doom-scrolling through Instagram. The black-on-red color balance and road-rash sleeves immediately hooked me. $165 later, I owned this sensual slice of pizza history. 

I’ll never forget the day it arrived in the mail. I eagerly tore apart the packaging and took a selfie with my prized statement piece. Then, after examining the photo for three seconds, I permanently relocated the jacket to the back of my closet.

Okay, so maybe the Pizza Hut jacket wasn’t sexy after all. And yes, perhaps the $165 could’ve been spent on resources to better my mental health.

But dear reader, can therapy buy me this limited edition Muppet Show x Sandro Paris sweatshirt?

Thanks to Herbie Fully Loaded, Lindsay Lohan is a household name. While I’m not here to dispute her popularity, I will take a moment to praise her lesser-known brother, Dakota.

I follow Dakota’s antics on Instagram. He’s a twenty-something model with a killer sense of style. One day while doom-scrolling, I viewed a photo of Dakota wearing the Muppet Show x Sandro Paris sweatshirt.

There was something innocent yet dangerous about this red sweater. The zany and chic vibes were too powerful to ignore. Within minutes, I purchased a used version listed on Grailed for $109.

Unlike the Pizza Hut delivery jacket, I’ve worn this sweater (drum roll) TWICE! It’s a fun piece that fills my heart with vibrancy. Despite this, my depression lingers, and the hunt for temporary relief continues.

I need to get something off my chest. 

A ‘street fighter,’ I am not.

The mere notion of witnessing a confrontation unfold on the concrete roads connecting our country ’tis of thee terrifies me.

I am nothing more than a humble pacifist attempting to make sense of a violent world. That is my truth. And while I typically don’t purchase items that glorify senseless acts of brutality, I made an exception for this bitchin’ pair of Reebok kicks.

How can a pair of shoes embody the best aesthetics of the 80s and 90s? The black-on-red combo mixed with smaller shades of blue and yellow pop off like nothing I’ve ever seen. Basketball sneakers usually don’t click for me, but the color palette pairs well with the bulky Shaq Attack design.

I forked over $200 bones for these shoes. Was it worth it?

Shockingly, no.

Suede makes up 45% of the material used to create these kicks. I am notoriously bad at keeping suede safe from water damage. I also live on the east coast, where it’s only dry for threeish months out of the year.

In summary, this was not a smart purchase. But commonsense goes out the window when buying compulsively. I’m acting on emotions rather than intuitions. If an item is flashy enough to distract me from my depression, I surrender to temptation.

Huh. Is it possible that compulsive online shopping isn’t a productive method for addressing my depression? Perhaps I do need thera-

Oh my God! Hold everything!

Is that a red ski jacket featuring Babar? 

KING of the elephants?

Babar held the cuteness crown long before Paddington Bear stumbled into the picture with his marmalade sandwich-eating ass. Only an elephant of his prestige deserves top billing on such a tubular article of clothing.

I had to buy it. If not for myself, then as a gesture of gratitude for the king of Celesteville. Besides, it only cost me-

Oh god.

$398.

Why did I pay $398 for this? Yeah, it slaps, but Goddamn. That’s at least three weeks of groceries down the drain. And I’m still depressed.

I blame Instagram’s sinister algorithm for introducing me to such funky articles of clothing! It’s the technology that’s at fault, not the user!

Oh, who am I kidding? I have to put an end to this bad habit. Starting today, no more compulsive purchases. The time for healing has begun.

I’ll take to Google and research some therapy options. Granted, I don’t have insurance at the moment, but I’m sure I’ll be able to find some affordable opt-

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Okay, well, that’s soul-crushing. Maybe if I refresh the-

NOPE. That did nothing.

I guess this is what it feels like to be up shit creek without a paddle.

…

On the plus side, I found a fur coat on Etsy! The colors are neat, and shipping is FREE!