by Nia Mire and Emma Nally

Senior year is one of the most stressful years of a young student’s life. They must compile resumés, personal statements, and letters of recommendation that will wow prestigious colleges…a daunting challenge. However, if seniors follow my advice, their college admission will be ensured.  

1. If one has a social life, they will not get into any respectable college. This is a fact applicants must accept wholeheartedly. Precious time is wasted by engaging in any activity other than studying. Having a social life is for people who peak in high school. If one strives to be a doctor or lawyer (the only acceptable career choices), they should say a tearful goodbye to the prospects of having an enjoyable life. Moreover, if one is interested in the fine arts or sports, simply stop. By participating in any extracurriculars that aren’t strictly academic, they are effectively preparing for homelessness and food stamps. Although this advice may seem harsh, it is crucial to follow it to the letter in order to be admitted to even a community college. If one has their heart set on going to an Ivy League, I suggest they become a hermit.
   
2. Arguably the most important part of one’s college application is the awards and activities section. In order to establish oneself as “unique” or “special” in the eyes of a college it is necessary to go as far as single handedly building a village in Guatemala for the underserved. It is important to note that this is the bare minimum. If one is really looking to impress colleges, it is imperative to win a Nobel Prize in their field of interest. Although this is an impressive achievement, it is important to note that this alone will not guarantee admission to college; it will only build one’s resume. In order to avoid community college, one must pack their schedule full of impressive extracurriculars like learning to perform surgery, becoming a practicing lawyer, etc. A small tidbit: one must forgo sleep to achieve these things (I recommend using an IV of straight coffee to stay awake during the day). If this is a problem, kiss college goodbye.
   
3. Thirdly, but not firstly, and definitely not secondly nor finally, an aspiring college student must maintain certain academic standards. Academic accomplishment is somewhat valued by university admissions, as they reflect a perfect truth: the intelligence, ingenuity, and integrity of the applicant. Therefore, one must earn a perfect record  in order to truly catch the admission officer’s eye. Luckily, there are many ways this may be accomplished. If a student is so inclined, they should take as many Advanced Placement courses as possible. However, they must be warned: officers will only care if one achieves not simply 5’s on all tests, but a perfect score. This is, of course, a fairly attainable goal, but if one is unwilling to put forth the effort to attain this resumé embellishment. I would also recommend getting an above average GPA, as this is also a necessity that all applicants possess. The required number for even a community college is a 5.0, but for an Ivy League, one must go above and beyond. When a student from my school got accepted into Harvard last year, he had an astounding 5.6! As one can clearly see, any student can attain the grades needed for university.
   
4. However, one major issue that candidates may face is the intense competition. At the school where I work, there are close to a thousand students per grade, all striving to get into the country’s best institutions. Thus, if one desires to get into any college, they must plan to subtly narrow down the potential applicant pool to better ensure their own chances. As a counselor,  I am determined to ensure all of my students’ success. While I would never personally endorse this vile idea, one desperate enough may always find a cinder block and drop it from a height of four stories. This is quite a powerful tool when used for personal benefit.
   
5. Another thing to note:  if one’s application does not make the admissions officer have a full blown mental breakdown, the applicant has failed. Every travesty the applicant has endured should be included in their personal statements. Acceptable topics consist of: being an orphan, being homeless, losing a sibling, having one’s house swept in a tornado. One’s trauma can- no, must– be put to use. If the applicant is unlucky enough to not have endured any of the aforementioned hardships, there is an industry secret to fix this issue. For generations, Harvard bound students have taken “research” trips to Chernobyl. To the unseasoned eye, when all of said students came back with cancer of some form, it was tragic. However, when the students were diagnosed, they were overjoyed ; these cancer-riddled students now had material that was sufficiently sad enough to include in their essays! Though close to 75% of these students were not accepted into Harvard, many believe the gamble is still worth it.

In conclusion, getting into college is a fairly simple and stress free process. I know that my fellow counselors and I will aid our dear students in any way possible for success, so that you may all have a wonderful future if you take our advice to heart. So keep your chin up and a cinder block in your pocket!