Dear Weight Loss Companies,
Listen, it’s not that I haven’t appreciated the 47 emails this month alone, the intensity with which you still think about me is truly flattering. But you’ve got to let me go, for both of our sakes!
Even the subject lines of your emails have overwhelmed me with attention and love, so, I’ve decided to respond to a few of them here:
“We were sorry to see you go. We’d love to reconnect!” I get it, we had some really okay-ish times together. The laughs, the jokes, the hunger. But after grieving our breakup, I started to heal and now I feel strong again. And I want the same for you! For your heart and database to forget all about me and my biographic information.
“We wouldn’t ask you back, if we didn’t think you could do it.” Of course you wouldn’t. That’s why I feel bad that instead of reciprocating your love, I’ve ignored your emails, not clicked on your links, or responded to your texts. Please forgive me. When I went through the dozens of cryptic steps you required to cancel our codependency, I should have included a heartfelt goodbye letter explaining that it was time for us to part ways.
“Is it something we said?” Absolutely not! Sure, every time you’ve reached out, you’ve implied there was something terribly wrong with me only you could fix. But I don’t blame you. I know your intentions were pure. In fact, you’ve been nothing but kind, considerate and insanely relentless in your pursuit of me and my credit card information. It’s not you, it’s me and me just doesn’t want you anymore.
“There’s never been a better time to come back!” Even though now is the absolute perfect time in all of human history to come back to you because you’ve never wanted me more than this exact moment, I’m going to have to politely decline.
“Where do you want to be six months from now?” You mean do I want to be with you? I’m not gonna lie, I’ve thought about it. Every site I visit, every page I scroll, every commercial break I see, there you are reminding me of our time together. But I’m hoping that in six months, I’ll be having champagne with Brad Pitt on top of the Eiffel Tower or maybe I’ll be right here, in the same spot I am now, doing just fine.
“You deserve to be happy and healthy.” Sometimes I forget this about myself so I really appreciate the reminder. You’re so wise! You know what you should do? One of those TED talks!
“It’s time to finish what you started!” Don’t be like that! I know I quit before I completed the plans you made for me, but I promise you, you’ll find someone else to make even better plans with. And before you know it, I’ll be a long-lost unfinished memory.
“We’re not giving up on you!” Wow, thanks! Our few disparate hours together so many months ago must have really made an impression on you; and don’t worry, this subject line didn’t at all give me stalker vibes. I get it, you miss me and our barely-there relationship. But I’ve moved on and so should you!
“It’s time to unleash your power within!” Finally, something we can agree on! You’re absolutely right, it’s time to let my power rip and use it to say goodbye to you forever! Thanks for everything. May I never see another fucking email from you again.
Wishing you all the best (as long as it’s without me),