Human Resources would like to express its incredible gratitude for the hard work of the Accounting Department during this challenging year. We’re pleased to report that the company has achieved all of its annual goals, and you were a critical part in increasing shareholder value by 13% in the last fiscal year.
We think it’s time for you all to have a little fun, so effective Friday, you’re starting a department TikTok!
In the new fiscal year, we want to show we’re a happy family that other families, the important upmarket ones with children aged 13–18, can trust. But it’s also a great opportunity for you. We’ve noticed how unpopular you are, because accountants are dull. But just think how people’s perceptions will change if you explain accrued interestin a fascinating way while dancing to “Gangnam Style.”
Op! Op! Op! Op! Up-a Nine Percent!
These videos need high production values. The company has ordered ring lights and a green screen so you can look your best and maybe incorporate Batman or some other popular and noncontroversial character somehow in a way that will put people in the mood to buy. As a generous benefit, we are covering 80% of the cost of these supplies. (The remainder will be automatically deducted from your paycheck.)
You can find more information about creating Hollywood-quality videos by searching the World Wide Web.
We’ve noticed that the people who are really popular on TikTok are young and beautiful, and you as a department aren’t, but with a bit of work we can fix that. You should start going to the gym, and stop using food to self-soothe during your increasingly frequent stress cries. And as another added benefit, the company is generously offering complementary weekly waxings, whether you just need a touch-up around the edges, or you look like a human sod farm. This benefit will be mandatory for all employees. Third quarter is swimsuit season!
TikTok videos are very short, so we anticipate you should be able to squeeze daily videos in around your other work. If you need ideas, try one of the popular themed hashtags. Try #MondayMotivation for a video about how eager Jack is to start on a stack of purchase orders taller than he is, or #WhoopsWednesday when the stack falls on him, crushing his underdeveloped, Victorian orphan-like little femur, or #FridayFirings, when Jack experiences the hilarious consequences of filing a worker’s comp claim and whines about how he’s no longer going to be able to afford gruel for his eight children.
And make sure you post these videos at the right time of the day. We’ve heard there are certain times when videos magically take off like an angry ferret with a rocket up its butt. We don’t know what times those are, and there’s no way to find out, and they change every day, and they might only exist if someone at TikTok headquarters presses a magic button, but make sure you take advantage.
Because let’s face it: Virality is key. So make sure your videos go viral, or we’ll beat you with tortillas. Not for a TikTok video. For vengeance.