Satan Regrets To Inform You That You’re Not A Good Fit For The Role Of Hell’s Social Media Manager

Thank you for applying for the position of Social Media Marketing Lead at Underworld Inc.. After reviewing your 666-page application and putting you through nine circles of Zoom interviews, I regret to inform you that you’re not the right fit for our close-knit fiery hellscape.  

I’ll admit your résumé is impressively ghoulish. Your work on a Russian bot farm spreading conspiracy theories? Inspired. And laying off thousands of employees by deactivating their work accounts just weeks before Xmas? I don’t even think Eurynomus is capable of that kind of torment. And that guy strips the flesh off of corpses. 

But I’m not sure you’re the kind of evil-doer who can “hang with the trolls,” if you know what I mean. We’re a tight goon-squad, and creating a toxic, soul-crushing nightmare environment is important to us. Why else do you think our corporate headquarters, Hades Haus, has a kitchen stocked with gluten-free snacks and an open-dungeon floor plan full of ping-pong tables and pinball machines?

While we value diversity, we care even more about our corporate culture. We’ve gone to painstaking lengths to hire an entire army of “reply ghouls” who look, think, dress, and tell the same inappropriate sexual jokes we do, and we’d hate to mess up the demonic cult-like vibe. Also, the other candidate, Ron Jr., is the son of Charon, our ferryman.

To work with us, you don’t HAVE to be the spawn of a psychopomp who ferries dead souls to the afterlife. But ever since I replaced the HR department with an empty can of Monster Energy drink, most of the applications end up lost in the cold darkness of the netherworld’s spam folder– unless you happen to be a hellion’s nephew, brother, cousin, friend of a friend, or golf buddy from Hell on Earth Country Club.

We actively seek out women candidates and believe women are equally capable of ungodly evilness. But our team spends eternity churning out thumb-stopping Internet challenges like #SkullBreaker and #NyQuilChicken. I couldn’t expect a woman with two children to keep up with such a hardcore workload. Also, Ron Jr. was a Sig Ep at my alma mater, Arizona State. (Go, Sun Devils!)

Torture is an old-fashioned business. I’ve been running things the same way ever since I built this hellhole from the ground down with one serpent and a few bad apples. We can’t just go from a soulless corporation that requires Underworlders to drink the blood of mortals before speaking in meetings to an inclusive, socially responsible certified B-corp in one night– even if the night is eternal.

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