Moved into a lovely new enclosure today which is large and full of exotic trees. Hope my dinosaur friends from the lab will join me soon.
The nice rangers keep leaving me goat for dinner. Should I mention I’m vegan?
Still no sign of my friends. Ask a ranger about it but he just starts yelling and shoots me with a taser.
Try to strike up conversation with the goat, but the stupid thing bleats and tugs at its chain until it has a heart attack. Feeling lonely.
Still no vegan alternative and getting hungry. In desperation, I try some mushrooms growing near my shelter but they cause weird hallucinations and I spend the night running from a fat man wagging his finger.
Getting crazy hungry. Try to leave the enclosure to search for egg plants but the fence is electrified. Ask to speak with Mr Attenborough about my concerns but the nasty ranger shoots me with a tranquilizer dart.
Ate the goat. Feel so ashamed after four years sober, but haven’t eaten in weeks and I’m starting to feel dizzy.
Getting a taste for goat now.
So lonely… Hearing voices in the bushes.
Can’t sleep. The goats are conspiring against me…
Midday – Humans! They drive past my enclosure in big toy cars. I want to say hi, but feel super shy so hide in the bushes.
2 p.m. – Looks like rain.
4 p.m. – The storm is wild. It brings down the fence around my enclosure, so I venture out in search of a nut roast.
5 p.m. – The humans return. I try to say hello but this weird kid starts screaming and then a guy in a Panama hat starts waving a flair at me, mocking my tiny arms. I see red and eat a guy sitting on the toilet.
6.30 p.m. – Spot the humans again and chase after them to apologise, but they refuse to stop. Terrible indigestion.
8 p.m. – Make my way to the visitors centre and discover a room full of vegan jelly and other plant-based treats. Jumped from behind by two angry velociraptors who claim they found the buffet first, but after a short scuffle I eat one and the other runs away. In the commotion the humans seem to have left.
I don’t think the humans are coming back.
The remaining raptor is still running amok, there’s a bleeding herd of brachiosaurus camped outside the Visitors Centre, and this irritating peacock-looking thing keeps squirting ink all over the place. Sick of the noise, so take a big bag of vegan cheese back to my enclosure for some peace and quiet.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at this poor dinosaur. I have a feeling that aliens stay clear of planet Earth for that very reason. Good job!