To: Research and Development Dept.
From: User Experience Team 
Re: “Humans” Going Forward 

After extensive research, the UEX Department has compiled its report. The department remains dedicated to the development of a reliable product that is both state-of-the-art and user-friendly. A product that is both pleasing to the eye and affordable. Most importantly, a product that will propel us past the competition and into the future. What follows is a list of changes that we believe will bring us closer to our goal. 

— If 2.0 is to carry the same design of nose and ears as the prototype, we are of the opinion that Research and Development should consider making the nose and ears detachable for easier maintenance. Considering the amount of mucus and waxy buildup, the ability to remove these two parts, clean them with warm water and a mild detergent then reattach, would have a very positive impact on the user experience. Let’s think “dishwasher safe”. 

— Eliminate the reliance on fruits and vegetables for vitamins and nutrients. With the availability of life-sustaining food decreasing, and “food deserts” increasing, we suggest a shift to a snack cake and candy-based diet. These are not only abundant but much more agreeable to the palate. Juices should immediately be replaced by soda. We also believe it would be beneficial to remove the “dairy” building block from the Food Pyramid and replace it with a “salted chips and pretzels” block. If this is not doable, we would be open to changing it to the ‘Ice Cream and Milk Shakes’ block, thereby fulfilling the dairy requirements. 

— We understand that to totally remove any body part permanently involves several generations, as well as years of testing and piles of paperwork. Therefore, UEX suggests slowing, if not stopping entirely, the growth of toenails until such time that they can be eliminated. They have become little more than petri dishes for a whole list of bacteria and fungi. Their usefulness has waned over time and they often end up resembling corn chips. We believe this feature has seen its time. 

— The results are in on the dental regeneration program. We feel it would make sense to apply to the human anatomy the same endless supply of teeth applied to the shark. This could be life-changing for hockey players, soccer hooligans, and anybody that’s attempted to open an imported beer without the benefit of a proper opener. We feel as strongly about this as we did with opposable thumbs. 

— The gastrointestinal system is both “unpredictable” and “certain” – you can’t predict what will happen, but it certainly won’t be pleasant. The system cramps occasionally, then backfires noxious gasses, before the waste is expelled. Ideally, Humans should operate with zero waste or little more than a belch or two. We think some tweaking of the metabolic program may be required. If a total elimination of waste is unachievable, we recommend an alternative ‘bouquet’ (lavender has a calming effect). It would also improve the user experience if waste could be removed at the user’s convenience rather than expelled at the worst possible time.  

— Lastly, UEX, once again, questions the lack of a factory-installed mobility system in the ‘starter’ models. Babies that could walk from the moment of birth is a ‘no-brainer’ in our opinion. Horse manufacturers made this a standard feature in foals long ago. While we understand that the anticipatory aspect of the child’s first steps is a parents big thrill, we believe that the consumer would willingly trade that thrill if they could, instead, ‘get the show on the road’. 

As always, we remain open to any questions or feedback regarding our report.