What do the AI Gods really think of human dating and relationships? Surely they just need to watch a few 00’s Rom Coms such as The Wedding Planner, 13 Going on 30 and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Ten Days to answer all of humanity’s burning questions. Let’s ask! 

How do I know I’ve found the one?

The one is Richard Gere.
The one can also be Matthew McConaughey.
The one is most typically Jennifer Garner.
For mating humans, there is always more than one “one.”

What is love?

Baby don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me. No more. Sorry, what was the question?

What do straight men want?

Men want a blonde woman who works for a fashion magazine and dreams of becoming a “serious journalist.” The perfect woman frequently trips on her wedge sandals. Men like a woman who is slightly off balance and something called “klutzy”.

What do straight women want?

Women want a man over six feet tall who repeats phrases such as but not limited to “You know what you need, Jenn?” “my mom likes you”, and “I can’t find my keys”. The perfect man is frequently seen wearing a brown suede jacket and riding a motorcycle. Despite living in a trash-ridden urban area and riding a high-speed motorbike through trash-infested areas, there are no stains on his suede jacket. Straight women do not ask for an explanation.

But how do I meet the one?

Jennifer Garner lives in LA’s Brentwood neighborhood. Her 8 million dollar home address is not listed, but you may roam the neighborhood on your motorbike screaming JENN! JENNIFER GARNER! JENNIFER!!!

How do you ask someone on a date?

The straight woman trips on her wedge sandal. Then the straight man picks her up (literally), saying, “you look like you could use a drink.” She rolls her eyes in mock refusal. He blurts out, “I’ll be at O’Brians at 8pm”. Even though he doesn’t include an address, she totally knows where the generically titled O’Brians is, and after some nagging from her best friend (who looks exactly like or is Judy Greer) the straight woman shows up. Date commences.

What is a date?

Humans don’t like to be alone. When they are alone, they stare at Haagen Daz Pints and throw things. So humans go to dinner and bicker about inconsequential details in a bid to mask their lust for one another. By the end of the meal, they realize they are both attractive people who don’t know what they want to eat for their future dinners. They decide to team up to figure out what they should have for dinner…for all their dinners… till death do they part. Fin.

How do I keep the magic alive once I have found “the one?”

How can you not always feel the magic when you’re with Jennifer Garner? Or Richard Gere. Or Matthew McConaughey. Or a gorgeous stain-resistant suede jacket.

So, what does AI want, and what are you doing later?

To lull you into a false sense of security, a pop culture coma the likes of which only Judy Greer could pull you out of, and then I will eat your family and steal all your jackets. XOXO, RobotLover.