Musical accompaniment: Mozart string quartet no. 20 in D major, mv 2.
Illustration: Boilly, The Electric Spark.

Why do people fall in love —
it’s stuff and nonsense to think of;
let’s get it over with quick since
it always leads to arguments.

SHE:
He looks alright ent’ring the bar
until he lights up his cigar;
he throws around a lot of cash,
manipulating his mustache.

HE:
Our tête-à-tête starts well at first
with civil lines that are rehearsed;
but, ‘tho I like the way she’s dressed,
she’s vain as Molière’s Celeste.*

SHE:
He’s telling me the stuff he thinks —
where is the waitress with our drinks?;
his persiflage becomes routine
and fails to do much listening.

HE:
She’s wondering how much I make
and if I am a hopeless rake;
I haven’t quite decided yet
if she’s sincere or a coquette.

SHE:
This conversation is uphill —
my glass is needing a refill;
I thought I was dating a swell
but this Deuceace can go to hell!**

HE:
All these pretensions and flimflams
to get involved with gams and mams;
I think women should be equal
and this one ought to pay the bill.

Why do people fall for this
humbuggery ubiquitous?;
let’s get it over with quick since
all courtship’s an impertinence!

* Narcissistic flirt from The Misanthrope.
** Womanizing swindler from Thackeray’s The Memoirs of Mr. C.J. Yellowplush.