I’m an All-Powerful, Hell-Spawned Dread Witch and Yes, I’m Wearing a Leather Tube Top

Originally published March 31, 2023

Stop! You dare to enter my domain?

You dare to tread on the vile ground of the great and terrible Mordia, a dire dread witch spat out from the very bowels of-

Yes, it is a leather tube top. What?

Well, what else would I be wearing? What’s wrong with a leather tube top? I’ve been really working on my flat tummy. This tube top really accentuates that.

I can be an all-powerful dread witch and have a well-toned body, you know. Better than being overweight, isn’t it?

I wasn’t implying anything.

I wasn’t body-shaming you. I wasn’t body-shaming anyone. God, you can’t say anything. Look, I’m just saying there’s nothing wrong with having a good body and showing it off, now can we please get back to you entering my domain and the terrible fate that will befall-

I’m perfectly warm. I actually have a quite clement domain. Although, if I’m honest, it can get a bit chilly in the black times of murk, so I just pop a cloak on.

Yes, I still wear the tube top, just with a cloak over it. I like the leather tube top. It’s a really strong look. What is it with you and the leather tube top?

No, I don’t think that wearing a leather tube top undermines my power as a dread witch. I could strip the skin from your bones with a flick of my wrist, if you want to talk about power. How would you like that? That’s what power is. It’s not leather tube tops.

I get them from the trader on the edge of town. He’s got that big caravan. Has all sorts of different tube tops. This one increases my spell power by two, and I like the red.

Two what? I don’t know, but it’s two more than my iron tube top and it’s much more comfy. The iron one really digs in under the arms

No, of course he doesn’t just sell tube tops. He would get very far if he just sold tube tops. He sells armour, tunics, mage’s robes, and all sorts of tube tops for dread witches.

Well, I could buy a tunic if I wanted but why would I do that? I’m a dread witch. Dread witches wear tube tops.

Of course, they do, everyone knows that. Always have done. Three towns over, just outside, in the forest, there’s one of the most powerful dread witches in all the realm. Janice. Always wears a golden tube top. Amazing look.

No, I don’t know who made the rule that dread witches wear tube tops. And it’s not a rule. I don’t follow rules because, hello, dread witch.

Oh, will you stop. Look, dread witches wear tube tops. All the traders sell them, all the pictures you see in all the books of dread witches, all the stories, everything. We all have tube tops on. It’s what we wear.

No, I don’t see any problems with that.

Well, I suppose that, yes, if there were lots of pictures of dread witches in nice sweaters, and the traders had dread witch sweater departments, then I might wear a nice sweater. But that’s not how it works, is it? We wear tube tops.

Excuse me? ‘Complicit in maintaining the patriarchy?’ I’m a bloody dread witch. How can I be complicit in the patriarchy?

Look, just because I spend all my time wearing a tube top that I’ve bought off a man to confront other men going on quests then-

HANG ON!

I’m being complicit maintaining in the patriarchy, aren’t I. I bloody am as well. I don’t believe it. You go along thinking that you’re a strong, powerful woman acting on her own agency and without even realising it, you’re being bloody complicit in maintaining the bloody patriarchy. Look at me! I’m a bloody dread witch and here I am conforming to an outdated societal stereotype of some sort of sexy succubus witch thing.

God, that is so annoying.

What? No. No, of course you can’t have passage through my realm.

RAZZMACASAR!

Okay. Could you stop screaming, please. I’ve stripped the skin from your bones. It’ll smart a bit until you- there you go, all dead.

Right, now I’m going to have a word with that trader and get myself a nice tunic or some robes.

Unless he’s got some leather bikinis in. I’m sure I’ve seen dread witches wearing leather bikinis in the ancient dread scrolls and that really worked. I could absolutely rock a leather bikini. Oh yes, I am done with conforming to society’s expectation of a sexy dread witch. No more tube tops for me.