Wotcher Cock, Welcome To Our New British-Themed Restaurant

Originally published April 15, 2024

Oi oi! Right, what’s all this then? That’s right you wanker, it’s our new British-themed restaurant. 

Join us on a gastronomical journey to that mysterious land across the pond where the Queen has ruled for over two thousand years, and everyone just eats mince. 

Or so you might have thought! In reality, the British have a rich and delicious culinary history that features over 50,000 different types of pie.

Our serving staff are steeped in British culture and you might find yourself served by Margaret Thatcher, a football hooligan, or Professor Stephen Hawking. Just as if you were in London! Let them be your guide through this fascinating cuisine.

Take your time, perhaps order a foaming pint of tea, and enjoy our menu of authentic British delights!

Aperitifs 

Six Pints of Beer: A traditional British aperitif that everyone enjoys, from schoolchildren before their lunch to the King and Queen at important state dinners.

Tea: Served in the traditional bucket.

Appetizers

Scotch Egg: A large, peeled boiled egg served in a bowl of Scotch Whisky.

Prawn cocktail: Vodka, sugar syrup, soda and crushed fresh prawns, served over ice and decorated with a single large prawn.

A Plate of Tripe: Tripe is a British delicacy that has been enjoyed for hundreds of years. We’re not entirely sure what it is. We think it’s guts, and that’s about as far as we really want to investigate. 

Crumpet: A traditional British sexual euphemism.

Main Course

Cornish Patsy: A pastry case filled with diced lamb and vegetables that has been made the scapegoat for a crime.

Fish and Chips: A British classic! Although, it may not be what you expect. The ‘fish’ in fish and chips is actually cat. This is because, in medieval Britain, cats were known as hairy fishes. ‘Chips’ in Britain are not what we think of as chips, but are actually an old woman’s toenails. Half a shaved cat served with a generous bowl of old woman’s toenails.

Cock: Some cock.

Shepherd’s Pie: A pie that used to belong to a shepherd. 

Sliced White Bread: Four slices, served with a side order of white bread.

Haggis: A traditional Scottish dish. Mashed lung, flavoured with lung, stuffed into a lung membrane, and boiled for several days.

Toad in the Hole: The hole is imported from the hills of Yorkshire. The toad is locally sourced from Enid Hardwick’s Olde British Toad Farm in West Unctuous. We do offer frog as an alternative to toad, but this would be seen as insulting to a British person due to the frog’s association with France. 

Lancashire Hot Pot: Cannabis from the north of England, served warm.

Jellied Eels: Cooked eels left to cool and served in their own jelly. This dish originated in London’s East End after someone lost a bet.

Dessert

Bread and butter pudding: Bread, spread with butter and called pudding.

Hairy Pie: Served traditionally unshaven.

Jam tart: ‘Tart’ is British slang for a prostitute. We take only the highest quality prostitute, cover them in strawberry jam and serve at room temperature with a large dollop of clotted cream.

Black pudding: Pudding made entirely from despair.

Threat of casual violence: Served with an atmosphere of xenophobia and seething resentment. Traditionally enjoyed at the end of an evening in a local pub.

Digestif 

6 more pints of beer.

Note: Some of our serving staff may welcome you using traditional cockney rhyming slang. Here’s a glossary and an example to help you get a feel for this fun and unusual form of speech.

Smelly finger – Linger

Au revoir Trieste – Best

Nuclear dawn – Lawn

Jessica Tandy – Brandy

So, after you’ve finished your meal, if you’d like to ‘smelly finger’ over your ‘Jessica Tandy’ it would be ‘au revoir Trieste’ to do so outside on the ‘nuclear dawn.’