by Ian Levy and Arjun Banerjee
I have always been a fan of escape rooms and, having mastered all of them in California, I was excited to review a brand new escape room in El Paso, Texas. Initially I was expecting a myriad of clever puzzles and riddles, but what I actually found was an ICE officer who inspected my anal cavities for contraband. I give this first puzzle one out five stars.
Upon entering I thought the puzzle would be easy when I learned there was no limit on team size, but was disappointed when l saw that my team consisted of countless unaccompanied children. This annoyed me, as many of them were crying and seemed to be making no attempt at escaping. One child even went so as far as to say he had lost all hope of escaping! If you’re not there to have fun why are you here? I gave my team enthusiasm one out of five stars.
The escape rooms I’ve done in the past, while challenging, would not punish you for trying to escape, but at this one with any attempt I made, I was met with the game masters shooting me with a fire hose, screaming No Leavo! After being hosed down for the third time they began to beat me with sticks which greatly added to the difficulty of the puzzle. I give the employees of the escape room three out of five stars for attentiveness and devotion to the role, but subtracted for the severity of the beating.
Normally escape rooms last an hour to ninety minutes, but after being there for 6 days I was told that I could be “detained indefinitely”. This morning I was told I was being deported to Guatemala, which will add quite the challenge to the escape room considering I don’t speak the language and have no money. The game master told me to that I should join a cartel to avoid becoming a victim human trafficking. For fun factor, I give it one out of five stars, but for the difficulty of the room I give it five out of five stars.
This escape room is only for true escape room aficionados. I miss my wife and children.