Purdue’s Breakthrough Non-Addictive Painkiller: Death By Gun Violence

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Here at Purdue Pharmaceuticals we take the opioid crisis seriously. And while we won’t take any more responsibility than a judge legally compels us to, we are committed to introducing safe, effective, and affordable alternatives to drugs like OxyContin. That’s why we’re pleased to introduce a new non-addictive painkiller readily available to all Americans. We call it Death By Gun Violence, and we know you’re going to love it.

Death By Gun Violence is a constitutionally-protected way to get relief from all kinds of pain, from sprained ankles to migraines –– and everything in between! It’s easy to use, non-habit-forming, and best of all it’s available without a prescription. Simply head down to your neighborhood park, bar, playground, movie theater, office space, shopping center, doctor’s office, train station, crosswalk, grocery store, or deli, and wait for the sweet relief only semi-automatic gunfire can bring.

Is Death By Gun Violence the only way to get relief from that pesky frisbee injury? Our lawyers say we’re required to tell you it isn’t, but studies have shown that Death By Gun Violence is 100 percent effective when it comes to treating both chronic and acute sources of pain. Sinus pressure? Indigestion? Heartburn? Death By Gun Violence treats it all! Plus only Death By Gun Violence can eliminate any and all future pain by going directly to the source of pain (life) and extinguishing it.

Now we know what you’re thinking: This sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it? Just how much is a permanent cure to everything that ails you going to cost? Well here at Purdue we’ve learned our lesson from the Oxy days, and we’re proud to announce that we have a brand new business model. While opioid prescriptions used your insurance to make billions while spreading debilitating addiction throughout the populations least equipped to deal with it, this time we’re say “No insurance? No problem!”

That’s right: Being mowed down by a white supremacist in a Trader Joe’s parking lot doesn’t require any form of coverage, co-pay, or Medicare! Just be sure to walk directly into the line of fire so you don’t accidentally survive the horrific assault and require years of expensive physical therapy.

Dealing with pain isn’t easy, but dying in a hail of gunfire can be. With just one dose, Death By Gun Violence is guaranteed to make those arthritic knees, chronic backaches, and weird clicking shoulders a thing of the past — along with the rest of your body, mind, and soul.

So ask your doctor about Death By Gun Violence today! And be sure to tell them Purdue Pharmaceuticals sent you (because our polling shows that even the NRA is more popular than we are right now).

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