Dear God, can you hear me? It’s me, also God. If you can’t hear me, I think you have probably heard my new album, Jesus Is King, about your son and me. This is really going to get people to get back to loving God, me! 

I’ve been having these Sunday Services to praise me. These Sunday Services are open to everyone, everyone that I know personally who has as big of a net worth as me to hear from the Good Book, Jesus Is King. It’s all love (or whatever). Church isn’t about hearing the stories of Christ and how he walked on water, it’s about hearing my holy rhymes like “Closed on Sunday, You’re My Chik-Fil-A.” Personally, I love what these Sunday Services are all about, the lord almighty, me. 

God, I sing your praises which is our also mine, specifically “Jesus Walks” a song about me walking to the store to buy a Kit Kat bar. Earlier this year, I got flack for some of my psalms I’ve been saying to my trusted friends and family, like TMZ. I’ve been saying correct things like “slavery was a choice,” and all of a sudden they’re disrespecting God like they’re burning a bible, my album! How can slavery not be a choice? We all could have just walked away from the plantation, but my ancestors decided to just stick around. But getting crucified is part of the deal of being God, right me? 

You may have seen I was a hat guy earlier this year too. I’ve started wearing a MAGA hat and you know what? I really thought I can really pull off red. I had a meeting with President Trump and thought it really went well because he was absolutely left speechless. He’s a fan of me which means he’s a fan of God. You have to respect what he’s doing for the Black community like giving Ben Carson a job and some other things that I can’t think of right now.

My wife practically has a position in the administration and is doing God’s work, my work! She’s freeing people from prison left and right by convincing Trump to let them go. I don’t know what she’s doing in that Oval Office, but as long as she follows the psalms of “Closed on Sunday, You’re My Chik-Fil-A,” she can do whatever. 

I’m glad I was able to check in with you, myself. You’re the most important person in the world, just an absolute icon. Praise me and all I’ve ever impacted, Hallelujah and Amen.