by Daisy Hobbs

Thankfully, as with many of life’s valuable lessons, the brilliant mind of William Shakespeare has resurfaced to offer some timely and poignant advice on the matter. Read along to hear what the wisest wordsmith of all time has to say about this modern day trouble.

Dilemma #1: You broke up with someone over 10 years ago. You are both well in your thirties now and surely have matured! You’ve moved on, have stellar jobs and are now starting families! Should you forget the past, move on and unblock and “refriend” them again?

Shakespeare’s Solution: In the illustrious words of Shakespeare, when Ophelia betrays Hamlet and he denounces all womankind because he is a weak-minded and bitter man in Act 3 Scene 1, “Bitch, is you CRAZY?!!! Must I remind you when that fool ditched you for 15 months to go to Bangladesh and “find himself” during your horniest years of College??? Get thee to a nunnery and leave his ass on BLOCK!”

Dilemma #2: Your scrolling through a never-ending list of “Suggested Friends” on Facebook. You see several people you know of but have never actually met. Is it okay to friend them? Or should you wait and make things “official” after you actually meet them in person?

Shakespeare’s Solution: As the King of classic literature once said, “If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you friend a stranger on FB, do you not look thirsty AF? ” You do. Don’t do it. I know it’s tempting to add friends in order to widen your social circle and seem more popular, but let’s face it, those people that actually hit the 5,000 friend limit are weird, douche bags.

Dilemma #3: In keeping with the very traditional and accurate nature of this piece, I will attempt to pose this third question in the form of a sonnet:
Ahem…

“Shall I compare thee to a summers day? And by summers day, I mean that bitch Summer Jenkins who was in my AP Bio class in High School and told me I would never grow out of my awkward phase. Then slept with my boyfriend.
Ugh–what’s the rest of this damn sonnet? “So long as eyes can see or men can breathe…”

Shit.
What’s the rest?

I mean…yeah, just ignore her friend request. She probably still sucks.

Dilemma #4: Oh God, can’t I just do 4 lessons? Who said I have to do 5? There you go again, Daisy, being an overachiever and setting unrealistic expectations for yourself! You studied Shakespeare sophomore year of Drama school–you know you don’t remember any of that stuff now-you’re 34!! But yeah, block the guy you were obsessed with in your 20’s. You’re married now and don’t need to constantly be reminded of his perfectly tanned face, chiseled jaw line and glimmering, brown eyes. Or were they blue? Check his page on your burner IG account and see!

Dilemma #5: Whew! I doth protest TOO much! All this Shakespeare talk is making my brain hurt! I don’t know how many more Shakespeare quotes and terminology I can conjure up..

Wait–

CONJURE! Is that a Shakespeare term?

That’s Harry fucking Potter?

DAMNIT!

Alas, I have bit off more than I can chew, so I must bid you all adieu. Parting is such sweet sorrow–and all that jazz–so farewell, you social media dwellers, ex-lovers and wannabe compadres.

In the immortal words of the Bard himself, “Wait…you still use Facebook?”