by Phil Witte

Little Alex Hamilton is a LIAR who says terrible things about me! He’s not even a real American!! He was born on an island called the West Indies! He should have stayed there, but he had to leave because of a scandal involving his mother, some say.

I was New York’s greatest Senator. Everyone says so. The subway? My idea, even though it couldn’t be built due to incredible CORRUPTION. When they build the Brooklyn Bridge you’ll be able to buy an interest in it from me. 

My law office is the best law office on Wall Street. Even the street name is great: Wall.

Tammany Hall is the most beautiful place to do business with very successful politicians, believe me.

Show us Little Alex’s birth certificate!

Never a big fan of Tom Jefferson. There’s a dark side to him, if you know what I mean.

I could shoot somebody on the shores of New Jersey and not lose any votes.

Cupping and bleeding will cure cholera. Ask any barber.

I haven’t met any pirates of the Caribbean, but I believe many are fine people.

Dolley Madison—not such a doll. The paintings make her look nicer than she is.

Catherine the “Great”? A 4 at best.

So Little Alex had an adulterous AFFAIR. Does that make him UNFIT for office? Some say yes.

Washington didn’t trust me, and now Jefferson doesn’t trust me. But that’s only two Presidents.

Benedict Arnold? I may have met him once.

Now they’re charging me with murder in New Jersey, but Little Alex died in New York. Case closed!

The truth finally comes out: Little Dead Alex had LOTS of help writing the Federalist Papers. That’s what the town crier says.

Now they’re trying me for treason, just because I may have wanted to be King of Mexico. This is just like the relatively recent Salem witch trials. So unfair! No former Vice President has ever been treated so badly.

Mexico would have paid for my coronation.

The way Jefferson abuses his power is a DISGRACE! He thought he could get me on treason, but I beat him. History will judge him a TOTAL LOSER.

When I return to New York, I plan to reside on Broadway.