28 Days Later
This rage virus doesn’t seem any worse than a common flu. The infected remind me of Megyn Kelly with blood coming out of her eyes. The virus is spread through blood, so maybe they should look into the application of band aids and feminine hygiene products as a way to combat it. It would be interesting to check that.

Resident Evil
This Alice woman is a pathetic dummy, why is she trying to stop the corporation? The world needs corporations because corporations turn profits and profits are profitable for everyone. It’s phoney radicals like her that are responsible for trying to sabotage our great economy — the cure can’t be worse than the problem itself. I hope those dogs get her.

Outbreak
That foreign capuchin monkey wouldn’t last a minute under my watch. Do bald eagles hunt capuchin monkeys? I’m sure I could train a bald eagle to hunt one. No one knows bald eagles better than me. Why are all of the lightweight scientists in this movie wearing hazmat suits? They’re overreacting. It’s going to disappear. One day, it’s like a miracle, it will disappear.

I Am Legend
See, the virus doesn’t like the ultraviolet rays of the sun! If everyone had gone to a nice beach in Florida instead of panicking, this wouldn’t have happened. I didn’t know Melania was in this movie. Oh wait, that’s just a mannequin. 

Contagion
This movie gets it. Of course the virus started in Hong Kong! Sound familiar? Yes, the bats too. And respiratory droplets? What year did this come out, is it from the future? I think this movie has the answer to a COVID cure. Somebody get a copy of this over to Fauci. In the meantime, I’ll be watching a loop of the greatest cameo in cinematic history: my Home Alone 2 appearance.