Heyyyy tall ladies! We, the women’s clothing designers of America, just learned that you’re a thing! Well, the sun has been out for weeks and it’s probably unbearable to keep wearing your long pants every day. Why not knock back a stiff shot of whiskey, say a few Hail Marys, and buy yourself some of our shorts? Have our designers ever seen a woman taller than 5’6” before? No, absolutely not, and in fact until last week, we thought that tall women were an urban legend, like Sasquatch or the Equal Rights Amendment. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have the cute summer looks you crave! Here are just some of the unflattering and uncomfortable styles we threw together, just for you.
The Anaconda: Remember squeezing into the baby swing after you’d outgrown it? Remember the rising panic that your legs would be stuck in this playground bear trap for all eternity? The Anaconda brings back back those fun summer memories with a fit guaranteed to cut off the circulation in your thighs and waist. You may turn blue, but you won’t feel blue looking this good. The Anaconda runs small, so make sure to buy eight sizes above what you’d buy in regular jeans.
The Brazilian: Although we do love international inspiration, this one is just named for what you’ll need when you wear them. To get these high-waisted denim tie shorts to actually sit at your waist, you need to yoke them up so high that they‘re just denim French-cut panties now. Make sure to soak in a bathtub full of Nair before putting these on, or maybe just roll with it! Nothing says Hot Girl Summer like the realization a strip of pubic hair has been peeking out of your shorts all day, right? (No seriously, we’re asking you. We don’t know.)
The Casper: Made from such a thin and breezy material that you’ll be asking, “What the hell is their corporate markup on these?” The Casper is transparent enough to display whatever you’re wearing underneath them. Nude underwear? We can see it. No underwear? Yeah, we can still definitely see it. Want complete coverage for some reason? Just wear five pairs of Caspers! What’s the issue?
The Bermuda Triangle: Bermuda shorts give you a little extra length, but they also take away the thigh chafing that we can only assume tall women love. Our designers solved that problem by cutting out triangle-shaped holes in the inner thighs of these pants, so you get the length you want without having to sacrifice the excruciating friction of your sweaty skin rubbing up against itself for hours. The only thing disappearing in these shorts is your summertime sadness. You’re welcome, giantesses!
The Extreme Low Rider: These booty shorts don’t even reach your booty. In fact, they’re so dangerously low-rise, you won’t even be able to pull them above your knees. Pair with one of our basic tees that somehow won’t fit over your breasts even in a size XL for an outfit that says, “Help, I got trapped in a commercial dryer and my clothes shrunk to a comically small size.”
The Victorian: All right, apparently some tall women actually don’t want their entire thighs on display in their summer clothes. We hear you, and The Victorian has you covered, literally. The Victorian keeps you cool by showing one scandalous inch of ankle skin so you’re still able to be flirty without showing off your full gams. Happy?
The Regatta: If there are two activities we know tall women love, it’s seafaring and ironing. These linen paper bag shorts take advantage of your height by transforming your elevated ass into a wrinkled maritime signaling flag to communicate messages to other tall women who may be some distance away from you. That message? Girl, we look good.
The Just Some Cheap Basketball Shorts: You’re tall, you must be good at basketball.
The Poacher: Need a hot lewk that screams, “I just returned from a safari in the 1980s?” The Poacher’s below-the-knee length, 47 utility pockets (you girls love your pockets, yeah?), and dull khaki material will have people wondering why you want to murder an African elephant in cold blood. But you won’t care, you’ve finally found a pair of shorts that allows you to bend over!
The Warrior Princess: OK, one of our marketing guys just told us that all tall women are descended from a lost tribe of giant ladies called Amazons, who apparently just ran around in animal pelts hating men. So, we’re selling a scrap of leftover leopard print polyester that we printed “Smash the Patriarchy!” on for $49.99. Use it as a loin cloth. You’d buy that, right?
So there you have it, styles to keep you cool, cute, and miserable all summer long, you lanky freak! Oh for fuck’s sake, we’ve just learned that some women weigh more than 125 lbs, too? Where does it end?