When you’ve tried all the usual ways to look slimmer—squeezing into shapewear, dressing in monochrome, squinting when you see yourself in the mirror—but still feel self-conscious about your body, you’ll definitely want to check out these five unconventional tips.
These amazing techniques won’t just erase your concerns about your flaws—they’ll virtually erase YOU!
1. Embrace ageism
In our youth-obsessed culture, middle-aged women often feel invisible. While that’s unfortunate for them, you can use this fact of life to your advantage—right now! Use makeup to create faux signs of aging—crows’ feet, smile lines, post-menopausal earlobes—and dye your hair a realistic shade of gray. (Facial prosthetics can boost the realism factor!) Complete the look with a sensible outfit from Talbots and a weary facial expression born of several decades of dealing with the patriarchy. No one will notice your imperfections if they’re entirely ignoring you as a person!
2. Be stylish—and stealthy
If you cover your body with camouflage, you won’t care about those trouble spots—after all, you don’t have to worry about being unattractive if no one can see you! Your local Army Navy Surplus store will have a variety of authentic gear and apparel available. (And hey, you might even have a meet-cute with a rugged, outdoorsy male customer!) Speaking of blending in, if you’re feeling especially bold—and crafty—take this tip to the next level by constructing a lightweight, wearable duck blind!
3. Let the light in (but not out)
Everyone knows that black is slimming, but you don’t have to be satisfied with plain old black clothing anymore. Ask your local tailor-scientist to make you a few wardrobe staples using an amazing substance called Vantablack. It absorbs up to 99.96% of visible light, which means you’ll actually appear one-dimensional. You can’t get any slimmer than that! If Vantablack can prevent stray light from entering telescopes, it’ll be no match for those problem areas. We’re gonna go ahead and say it: Vantablack is the new black.
4. Dare to disappear
Harry Potter and his friends used an Invisibility Cloak to sneak around Hogwarts, but did you ever wonder what you could do with magic like that? You could use it to look thinner, of course! Well, not so much thinner, but completely transparent. It’ll be almost like you don’t exist at all! Sound impossible? Nope! It’s not exactly magic, but the Canadian military recently applied for a patent for a material called “Quantum Stealth” that can make soldiers and vehicles appear invisible in combat. This technology isn’t available to the public—and sadly, it may never be—but a girl can dream, right?
5. Hide in plain sight
By equipping yourself with a few key items, you can ensure that people won’t even want to glance your way—in fact, they’ll avoid you on purpose! Simply carry a stack of religious pamphlets, a pile of poorly designed promotional flyers, or a clipboard with an environmental petition, and passersby will avert their eyes to escape your sales pitch. The more you try to get their attention, the less they’ll want to look in your direction! This strategy is even more effective if you open your eyes a little too wide and smile a little too broadly. (Note: This technique doesn’t have a 100% success rate, so you may want to wear Spanx just in case.)